Josh Guest

Morning Market Call: Chasing Greatness followup

2012-01-25T10:17:00.000-08:00

Acknowledge thy Knowledge (or lack thereof)

2012-01-19T15:16:00.000-08:00

In any communication where you have to speak or write there is a standing temptation to give yourself an appearance of intelligence beyond what you actually possess. You may consult a thesaurus to inflate your vocabulary, you repeat something smart you heard someone else say without attribution, you use the word "ironic" to describe situations devoid of irony, you quote Kant when your understanding of Kantian ethics doesn't go beyond a glance at his Wikipedia entry (disclosure: I haven't read anything by Kant, either), you dismiss someone's assertion as non sequitur/red herring/straw man/slippery slope when you don't have a rebuttal for an argument that is logically sound.

It's easy to see through someone who is trying to sound smarter than they actually are. Once revealed, trust in your intellect is lost, and the resulting penalty to your perceived intelligence will be greater than the ventured gain. Not only will you not get credit for intelligence you did not possess, you will be perceived as even less intelligent than you actually are.

A good example of this is Governor Rick Perry in his presidential campaign. After he tried to pit himself as someone more in touch with the issues pertinent to the office of the United States Presidency than perhaps he actually was, he ended up looking foolish before a national audience and ultimately returning to his home state with people wondering if he was even fit to be Governor of Texas, 10+ years of experience notwithstanding.

Own up to what you know, acknowledge where you are ignorant and get full credit for your smarts instead of counterproductively faking it. In other words: don't fake it, just make it with what you have.

Chasing Greatness

2012-01-11T14:27:00.000-08:00

Getting togreatness may be as easy as copying those who are great. Greatness is such anambiguous term anyway that faking it and making it are practicallyinterchangeable.

Withoutdisregarding the Savior as the exemplar of perfect leadership, we may still usethe examples of other “noble and great ones” [i]as training wheels.

Dr. CurtisLeBaron said, “I encourage students to read theautobiographies and biographies of great leaders, because stories keep thelessons of leadership alive.”[ii]

Challenge accepted. I spent the Fall semesterreading as many memoirs, biographies, and speech compilations as I could get myhands on. The longer volumes became part of the family. Steve Jobs accompaniedme to class. Abraham Lincoln camped out on the living room couch. WinstonChurchill occupied the kitchen while Neal A. Maxwell sat at my bedside. JohnAdams was forced to join Albert Einstein on the bench, but they’ll be back inaction soon, as soon as I get through Gandhi and Mandela.

In many ways, the great ones aren’t thatdifferent from the rest of us. They, too, display “the foibles of humannature.”[iii]The difference being they do so more publicly.

Being not so far from us after all, we may yetfind opportunities to get on a path to greatness while yet in school.

Mentors

The great ones sought out mentors. Before Appleand Pixar were, Steve Jobs had to learn about computers from mentors at Atariand Hewlett-Packard.[iv]When Jobs extended his offer to John Sculley to become the CEO of Apple, Jobsgave as his first reason: “I can learn so much from you.”[v]

Chris Gardner, made famous by the film based onhis memoir Pursuit of Happyness,achieved his dream of becoming a successful stockbroker by reaching out to severalmentors in the industry.[vi]

Neal A. Maxwell had to be tutored by UtahSenator Wallace F. Bennett not only in developing the skills of politicaladvocacy but, perhaps more importantly, in prioritizing for greater human andpersonal needs.[vii]

Our choice in mentor is important. We mustchoose our heroes carefully. If we emulate someone we deem great by someshallow or superficial standard, we may one day regret achieving our dream. In agreat one’s words, “we’d better want the consequences of what we want!”[viii]

Homework

The great ones had to do homework, too. J.Reuben Clark would “rather miss his meals than to miss a day from school.”[ix]Chris Gardner, Abraham Lincoln, and Neal Maxwell were all prone to bingereading. Gardner literally lived in his office with his son—granted, they hadnowhere else to go—he was the first to show up, and the last to leave. Evencollege dropout Steve Jobs would continue self-educating—he was highlyinfluenced by Dr. Clayton Christensen’s book The Innovator’s Dilemma.

Amy Chua, the famed Yale Law professor/TigerMom, would stand behind her daughter Sophia for six hours a day while shepracticed the piano before Sophia could perform at Carnegie Hall one day. Shewould put the same effort into getting her younger daughter Lulu to similarsuccess with the violin as she made her way through several youth orchestrasand finally an audition at Juilliard.

Getting to greatness was not just a matter ofplaying to their strengths or following their passions. They had to work veryhard to get greatness. “Just because you love something,” Chua said, ”doesn'tmean you'll be great. Not if you don't work. Most people stink at the thingsthey love.”[x]

Supporting Cast

The great ones had a great entourage in theircorner. Even when Chris Gardner seemed to be utterly alone and homeless, hefrequently mentioned getting his next meal from unexpected sources as if itwere manna from heaven. While he would ultimately bear the burden of raisinghis 2-year-old son on his own, he frequently had the support of sympatheticonlookers, members of his Church, even strangers in worse life situations thanhe was, to help him live to fight another day.[xi]

Steve Jobs’ legacy would be less likely withoutthe quiet and unassuming Steve Wozniak. When Jobs took on the challenge atAtari to create Breakout, asingle-player version of Pong, it was Wozniak who did the heavy lifting on theengineering while Jobs took the bonus for completing the project with fewermicrochips than required.[xii]In fact, many of the innovations attributed to Jobs were not his ideas at all.He would often reject someone else’s idea and later present the same idea ashis own weeks later.[xiii]

Perhaps we can commiserate with the great onesin knowing that we, too, are beneficiaries of blessings we never earned. Andperhaps take a moment to copy the actions of those who provide theinfrastructure for our success.

Final Observation: A Warning

Photos of water splashing make blogposts look legit.

Greatness is relatively easy if that’s the onlyaim--“It's no trick to make a lot of money, if all youwant to do is make a lot of money.”[xiv]In that same vein, it is relatively easy to get worldly greatness if that isthe only object we seek and the only standard by which we measure success. Butthe more I read, the more I found that most of those I was impressed withbefore had lost my respect before the end. Sure, I was happy for them that theyhad “joy in their works for a season.”[xv]

However, too often, worldly success came at toohigh a cost, and the family most often paid the price. Jobs would not receivean invitation from his daughter to her college graduation. Jobs’ wife, Laurene,to put it more graciously, said, “He’s not extraordinary in every realm.”[xvi]

Gardner wrecked his relationship with his wifethrough his personal mistakes, and his relationship with the mother of hischildren would share a similar fate. And young Lulu Chua would scream at hermother in public, “You’ve wrecked my life. …I hate the violin. I HATE my life. I HATE you.”[xvii]

The siren songof greatness and success are such trivial distractions from our true purpose at BYU.We are on a quest for perfection.[xviii]Or in other words, we are trying to be complete. [xix] Still, those junior varsity versions ofgreatness can serve as a lesser law while we feel out a more excellent way.

[i] Abraham 3:22

[ii] LeBaron, Curtis. “Face-to-Face Leadership: ‘As a ManSpeaketh Unto His Friend.’” BYU Speeches.July 28, 2009. http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1848&tid=2

[iii] Joseph Smith—History 1:28

[iv] See Steve Jobs. By Walter Isaacson. p. 552 (2011).

[v] Qtd. in SteveJobs. By Walter Isaacson. pp. 152-53 (2011).

[vi] See Gardner, Chris. Pursuit of Happyness (2006).

[vii] Hafen, Bruce C. ADisciple’s Life: The Biography of Neal A. Maxwell. pp. 212-13 (2002).

[viii] Maxwell, Neal A. “Swallowed Up in the Will of theFather.” Ensign. November 1995(1995).

[ix] Journal of Joshua R. Clark in Quinn, D.Michael. J. Reuben Clark: The Church Years, Provo: BYU Press, p.7(1983).

[x] Chua, Amy. BattleHymn of the Tiger Mother. p. 215 (2011).

[xi] See Gardner, Chris. Pursuit of Happyness (2006).

[xii] Steve Jobs. By Walter Isaacson. pp. 52-53(2011).

[xiii] Id. at 364.

[xiv] Mankiewicz, Herman and Orson Welles. Citizen Kane (1941).

[xv] 3 Nephi 27:11

[xvi] Steve Jobs. By Walter Isaacson. p. 543(2011).

[xvii]Chua, Amy. BattleHymn of the Tiger Mother. p. 205 (2011).

[xviii] BYU Mission Statement.http://aims.byu.edu/p/missionstatement

xix “In Matt. 5:48, theterm perfect was translated from the Greek teleios, which means“complete.” Nelson, Russell M. “Perfection Pending.” Ensign, Nov. 1995. Accessed online at lds.org.

A similar version of this text was originally published in the January 2012 edition of the BYU MBA Student Wire.

Caution Tape: A Tale of Caution

2012-01-10T15:05:00.001-08:00

People trust caution tape as far as public restrooms are concerned. When you see caution tape or police tape in non-restroom areas, you can't help but be curious as to what would happen if you crossed the tape and investigated what was on the other side of it.

But you never want to investigate the other side of caution tape when it is blocking access to a public restroom stall.

The takeaway: If you want your own private bathroom in public, all you need is to cordon off the stall of your choice early in the day. Assuming the custodial staff doesn't bring in a plumber after seeing the tape.

Unwanted Lessons

2011-12-15T20:42:00.000-08:00

Note: This is the first article I published as a columnist for the November edition of the MBA Student Wire, slightly modified to be a little less inside-jokey. Enjoy.

An Unwanted Lesson

By: Josh Guest

Getting what you want is no fun at all.

For example, I always wanted to get into the newspaper's Police Beat until the time came for me to actually get into the Police Beat.

My run-in with the law went down like this: On Day 2 of MBA orientation I secured my belongings in my locker for the first time ever before going to Camp Williams to witness my new classmates get sniped and soaked while traversing shredded-tire minefields with precious gravel-filled ammo cans.

Four hours later I returned to a ransacked locker. Everything was gone. Laptop, phone, car keys, wallet, textbooks, clothes, shoes, and a copy of Stephen R. Covey's "How to Succeed With People" that I bought at the Deseret Industries for four dollars. There I was, soaked, stranded, locked out of my car, too shocked to even remember any phone numbers of potential rescuers. I didn't tell my wife until after I got home that the one laptop we both shared for our schoolwork was gone.

Immediately following the discovery of the theft, Adam Charles helped me approximate the location of my phone using a tracking sensor online. The tracker placed the phone next to the Utah Valley Regional Medical Center. Mr. Charles drove me from the business school to the hospital at secret agent speed so we could promptly catch our thief in an improvised sting operation. We didn't find anybody, but imagine if we did… mmmm, boy.

Kelsey Davis monitored the changing location of the phone from Command Central/the MBA office. Unfortunately, the sensor only narrowed our search radius to Helaman Halls, the athlete building, Provo High School, and, well, the hospital. My wife and I spent the evening going through the local garbage cans in the area and rechecking the cans already inspected by Adam and the University Police.

Then, my study group came running to my aid. Brian Nielsen, Troy Smith, Andre Silva and Tyler Margetts--people I had only known for less than a day--all chipped in to help us out. Then I discovered by accident that Jimmy Dunn had organized a collection bucket in the lounge by which more anonymous benefactors came to my rescue. The next thing I knew, an old friend from Idaho calls me to ask about the "Josh Guest Recovery Fund" he found on Twitter (Thanks, @SalemStanley) where several anonymous donors helped to get us back on our feet for school.

I came to the Marriott School of Management because I wanted to learn leadership skills to serve others; what I got was a firsthand look of others serving me. It was no fun getting robbed, but I got what I wanted.

Thanks, everybody.

185th Ask Josh - Making Time

2011-12-10T07:22:00.000-08:00

Crystalee said...

Hello HUM freshman friend. I'm about to embark on fulltime job + fulltime grad schoolness. How is it that you make time for... question-answering amidst your graduate load and husbanding?

.......

Dear Crystalee,

Congratulations on the "fulltime job + fulltime grad schoolness." I can tell you right off the bat that I make time for answering questions by not taking on "fulltime job + fulltime grad schoolness." But there are a few ideas that have worked for me. And hopefully time saved will translate into mind saved. As Malcolm Gladwell put it in his book Blink, "I think that we become temporarily autistic... in situations when we run out of time." [232]

First some principles, then some practical tools. First, the principles:

Accountability - holding yourself accountable to someone, anyone, even an imaginary someone (see the tools below) will improve time management. Time, once lost, can never be recovered. Making a report of our daily stewardship of our time makes it less likely that we will waste it. That's why I like to use lots of simple, easy-to-use tools that hold me accountable every day. President Thomas S. Monson said, “When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates." (qtd. in Preach My Gospel, 150).

Fill-in-the-Crack activities - Oh the time we waste in lines, in the gaps between classes, climbing stairs, waiting for elevators, waiting the 90 seconds for your microwave to finish cooking up your oatmeal. If you can find a low-stakes project with a low startup time that can be worked on seconds at a time, you will see that you can do a lot of that during these cracks in time between your bigger higher-stakes projects. Having a pocket Shakespeare on hand, a newspaper, a magazine, a stack of blank thank you cards, a Rubik's cube, or having a phone with a YouTube app and plenty of Khan Academy lessons or TED talks in queue, an iPod synced with the latest Freakonomics podcast or General Conference talks. The cracks in your time add up, when you use them correctly your blocks of discretionary time magically free up as well.

Parallel Processes - Note: this is not to be confused with multi-tasking, which I do not advocate. Your body uses this idea of parallel process already, and it does it beautifully. Your body does not keep circulation by having the heart pump frantically for a few hours to make sure you have all the blood you need that day followed by a shutdown of the heart before moving on to the respiration for the rest of the day followed by digestion, etc. These all work simultaneously without you even having to think about it or prioritize them.

You're probably already doing some parallel processes on your own. I don't know of a single person who sits and watches their laundry spin around until it's finished, they usually use that 35 minutes to read a book or at least watch television. Look for opportunities to build parallel processes into your day. Perhaps during your commute (listen to a book on tape), during mealtimes (if you don't mind offending other people at the breakfast table), or during sports/entertainment events (no concert or sporting event is so gripping that I can't get a little reading or knitting accomplished on the side). Another example, in lieu of having to set apart time to do weight training--which, to me, is the equivalent of writing a research paper and instantly deleting it because you just wanted to work without running the risk of producing results-- I deliberately carry unnecessary books in my backpack so as to give me some weight training as I'm climbing stairs and moving all about while at school. As an added bonus, those books often prove to be a nice fill-in-the-crack activity during down times.

Positive Flexibility - Be flexible enough that you can start working on projects earlier when the opportunity arises. Usually, when people talk about being flexible with time, they talk about the ability to push stuff back, or procrastinating. True flexibility with time means not wasting the moments you gain unexpectedly. When someone cancels an appointment, when you inadvertently wake up early, or when you get other projects accomplished earlier than expected, move on to your tasks straightway.

Now for the Tools of Time:

IDoneThis.com - A nice tool to aid you in your accountability. Knowing that you'll be contacted by email at the end of the day to make a report may not seem like a huge spur to get more done, but on more than one occasion it has kept me from going to bed without having completed my daily SUPERB routine. "When performance is measured and reported, the rate of improvement accelerates."

Google Reader - I don't have time to check the Times, the Journal, the Post, the Atlantic, Inc.com, Forbes, Fortune, BusinessWeek, HBR, TED, the Scientific American and all the other online publications and newspapers I follow, plus all the blogs my friends, family, colleagues and all their spouses write. So instead of making the rounds on all those publications, I let Google Reader collect them for me and organize them. It's a nice way to add a parallel process to my life. While I am out working on other tasks, Google is compiling my periodicals to read that day for me. Also, by having a shortcut to my Reader on a smartphone, I can accomplish my periodical reading when I'm out and about as a fill-in-the-cracks activity.

Google Calendar + Smartphone - Once again, Google is great. It serves as my secretary by letting me quickly access my calendar from anywhere and also allowing me to have an always synced calendar on my phone. By sharing calendars with others, I don't spend much time running around. I just check my phone to see what I have coming next. It also frees up a lot of mental capital as I don't have to spend time memorizing information about times and deadlines that will be obsolete tomorrow.

Google Tasks - Another function of the Google suite. By putting my to-do list on Google and setting appropriate due dates, I know what needs to get done and when. It's very nice having the tasks right their in the bottom right corner of my Gmail or right at the top of my daily calendar.

Readers, let me know your ideas for clearing up time. I'm going to be wanting those as time goes by. Maybe you disagree with me on the multi-tasking, I'd like to hear your case.

Love,

Josh

184th Ask Josh - Thankful Four...

2011-11-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Josh,

You thankful for anything? I bet you can't even name 10 things, you little ingrate.

Happy Thanksgiving.

....

I don't have a Top 10 list for you. But here are somethings I am thankful "four" (wokka wokka):

1.) Things I didn't ask for or want. I've had a pretty cushy life, a little too easy sometimes. I may not have a lot, and I don't think I'll ever find myself asking for more, but I'm sure thankful for all the adversity I've got.

"When was the last time you thanked the Lord for a trial or tribulation? Adversity compels us to go to our knees; does gratitude for adversity do that as well?" - Bonnie D. Parkin, in her final address as General Relief Society President. Conference Addresses. April 2007. Link.

"Cherish your spiritual burdens because God will converse with you through them and will use you to do his work if you carry them well." Jeffrey R. Holland. The Inconvenient Messiah. BYU Speeches. Link.

2.) Things I didn't know I needed. I'm thankful for roads not taken, unanswered prayers, and all the other blessings I never knew I wanted.

“Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down. Thank you, Mr. Gardener. [...for loving me enough to hurt me.]’”

- Hugh B. Brown. The Currant Bush. Link.

3.) Things I still have to learn. I would never advocate that ignorance is bliss, but I tremble at the thought of just how much more accountable I would be if I was allowed to understand the wisdom used in creating my "little universe of experience."

"I testify that just as He has helped to carefully construct this second estate for all mankind, He also has helped to carefully construct each of our little universes of experience. I thank Him for blessing me therein with a wife, children, parents, leaders, and friends to help me. I thank Him now for the tender times, the jarring times, the perplexing times, and even for the times when my learning is so painfully public—lest in such moments to come I am too taxed to testify or too anguished to appreciate."

- Neal A. Maxwell “Jesus of Nazareth, Savior and King,” Ensign, Dec 2007, 44–47.

4.) People. People are important. The older I get, the more I see how my life is seasoned and shaped by others. I'm glad they're there. The ones I love and the ones I don't love. Family, friends, colleagues--I drew some of the best.

"What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days."

- Karen Lynn Davidson "Each Life That Touches Ours For Good." LDS Hymns. Link.

BONUS: I'm grateful for people who have shown by their words and examples how to show gratitude the right way. Susan is great at this. She always is on the ball about getting out thank you cards to people who help us. Grateful for gratitude.

"Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other. And despite my love of efficiency, I think that thank-you notes are best done the old-fashioned way, with pen and paper. ... I've found Thin Mints are a great communication tool. They're also a sweet reward for a job well done."

- Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture, 151, 158.

183rd Ask Josh - Eat. Pray. Love? Or just Eat. Love.

2011-11-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

Should I, or should I not start each date with an opening prayer?

...

This is the perfect situation for me to start out by saying, "I don't know. But..."

I don't know. But the idea of it makes me uneasy. But my unease will not stand up against any kind of scrutiny without a deeper underlying principle-based conviction, which is understandably lacking as regards this topic.

Before I present my findings, allow me to preface this by saying that it is not my intention to make light of the sacred communication between man and Maker. Neither is it my intention to pass judgment on those who choose to pray in public for any reason, sincere or otherwise. I am merely trying to create a dialogue in order to find out why this may or may not be perceived as a social taboo. And if it is a social taboo, who should change? The individual or the society?

First concern: Would any essential revelation be missed if a man put off the prayers he would normally receive on a date?

Elder Dallin H. Oaks (Note, he is not talking on dating specifically. But take his general statement and make personal application as best you can): "Persons who persist in seeking revelatory guidance on subjects on which the Lord has not chosen to direct us may concoct an answer out of their own fantasy or bias, or they may even receive an answer through the medium of false revelation." ["Our Strengths Can Become Our Downfall." BYU Speeches. June 7, 1992. Link.]

I include Elder Oaks' statement because it reinforces my fear that those who pray at the opening of a date may believe that any ideas or thoughts that come to mind during that date are revelation received in response to the opening prayer. A youth, boiling with hormones, may think that he is acting with divine approbation when it is just. It is my unauthoritative opinion that a young man who reads and understands the revelations already given in the For the Strength of Youth publication would not have any more need to ask for revelation if he is saying his personal prayers and going on dates at the right time, with the right people, in the right environment doing the right activities.

I searched for an authoritative statement from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints regarding the propriety of prayer at the beginning of a date. I have struggled to find one.

Second concern: Shouldn't we pray always?

There is potential for disagreement with my opinion as someone who insists on praying may throw in my face the following scriptures:

"Pray always, that you may come off conqueror." [Doctrine & Covenants 10:5]

"If ye hearken unto the unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray." [2 Nephi 32:8]

I would rebut this by saying that Jesus at least seemed to say that prayer is appropriate for a time, a place, and a purpose when he said, "When thou prayest, thou shalt not do as the hypocrites, for they love to pray... standing in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. ...But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father in secret[.]" [3 Nephi 13:5-6; Matthew 6:5-6].

So, date prayers may be a good thing for the sincere faithful boy seeking a soulmate. But it seems that public prayers, more often than not, were used more as a P.R. campaign to establish some people's spirituality in order to receive earthly rewards for their seemingly supernal qualities. Kind of like Bill Murray in Groundhog's Day who only pretends that he wants "to say a pray and drink to world peace" in order to impress Andie MacDowell.

Third concern: Isn't it just rude to put your date in that position if she does not want to participate?

That may well be her problem. But if your object is to woo her, save the deeper spiritual activities for later in the relationship.

For example, I have yet to hear a story where a man has managed to pull off the prayer discreetly or smoothly. Elizabeth S. writes:

The prayer occurred at Sammy's over our pie shakes, when I was mid-sentence asking him about something. Very awkward.

The prayer may have been a little awkward, but pretty innocuous. I won't outright condemn the practice but I would admonish the boy to be a little more considerate. At least more considerate than this next guy:

My roommate was being pursued by this very pushy guy. He drove her over to the temple and asked her, 'Does Satan want you to be single, or does the Lord want you to take a leap of faith and be in a relationship?' She chose secret option C - 'I don't want to be in a relationship with YOU.'

To which I hear the words of Elder Holland echoing, "I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people's lives." ["Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence. Holland, Jeffrey R. BYU Speeches. 2 March 1999. Link]. Now, I realize this doesn't have any actual prayers taking place, but it illustrates the point I am trying to make that wearing religion on one's sleeve just makes those within three standard deviations of the median in matters of public spirituality a little more uncomfortable.

Apparently, this is not as three-plus-standard-deviations-away as I thought as I am seeing more and more responses flood in. This first one from Caitlin P.:

So he texts me to ask if I want to go rock climbing with him, but I was busy and didn't look at my phone for a while, so then he calls and apologizes for not calling to ask me out in the first place, and re-asked me out. Of course, I had to do the first date courtesy thing, so I agree to go out with him and he says that he'll pick me up at 7. A little bit later, he texts me to ask if I could just meet him at The Quarry, and tells me to come hungry. I didn't have a car, but a friend of mine was heading that way anyways, so I just caught a ride with her. I also didn't eat dinner because I figured that if you tell someone to come hungry, you're going to buy them dinner. Anyways, I get to The Quarry, and he had borrowed a friends shoes for me to wear. His friend was a boy, but he apparently had girl size 5 feet. Rock climbing shoes are always painful, but these were like out-of-control. I was ready to leave after 10 minutes, but [he] stayed for about 2 1/2 hours. Also, I had to belay him and he's easily over 200 lbs, so I was seriously having trouble even staying on the ground. Finally he decides that he's ready to go, but then he tells me that he forgot his wallet and asks if I'll lend him some money for him to take me to dinner. I was already annoyed at this point, so I told him I wasn't hungry. Then he asked me to give him a ride home. I told him that my friend had given me a lift. So then he asked if my friend would give him a ride home. Since she was busy and there was no way I was going to make her come get us, we ended up having to walk 2 1/2 miles home. When we got to my doorstep, I was way ready to escape, but then he says, "You might think this a little strange, but I'd like to leave you with a word of prayer", and then proceeded to say a 5 minute long prayer covering the most random subjects you could possibly think of. I was so confused. And there were a ton of people walking by and looking at us strange. He finally wrapped it up and went in for a hug, but I warded it off with a high five. So then I finally got away and told my roommates and [my sister] and we laughed about it for a really long time.

I guess I don't have any problem with a guy who is sincere, even if the practice has the potential to be a little socially off. It's sanctimony that makes me uncomfortable. Here is an example of a perfectly good guy who seemed completely earnest. But I have added to Deidre E's story to give it a little more color:

Alright. So I got set up on a blind date with a nice young man [who only wore robes and had no shoes]. He came and picked me up [in his arms and started to run at super-speed like Edward Cullen] and we went to eat at Applebee's [because we was big into the fruitarian diet]. We were making small talk [about atoms, insects, Lilliputians, snowmen in spring] and getting to know each other when our food came. Naturally, I picked up my cutlery and started to [throw them at the attacking ninjas who sought to] unwrap the napkin so I could eat my food. I noticed my date wasn't moving [because he wasn't a human at all, but a giant mannequin,] so I looked up at [the Golden Snitch hovering over] him. He was looking all shifty eyed around the room and wouldn't make eye contact with me. After about five seconds he [exploded! And then he] looked at me and said, "I am just going to say a quick one [for the Gipper], okay?" I thought... a quick one [...for the who]? And then realized what he meant as he folded his arms and bowed his head [and jumped onto the table and started shredding out an inaudible air guitar solo]. As he prayed [to the heathen gods of air guitar rock] over his food silently [to me, yet bombastically loud] in his head I just sat there. I couldn't start eating because that is weird to eat during a [surgery being performed in the restaurant after a knife fight incited by] prayer and I felt weird looking at him so I just set all my cutlery up and put my napkin on my lap and twiddled my thumbs. He probably prayed for a solid [60] minute[s]. When he was finished he looked up at me and said, "Hey, don't worry... I blessed yours too." To which I replied, "That was very thoughtful of you[, Bono]."

Beth G. went on a date with a boy whose treatment of others perhaps conflicted with his attitude towards the Infinite:

I was on a first date with a guy I met in one of my classes on campus. He took me out to eat at the restaurant that he knew I worked at. He asked that we split a meal because "he wasn't that hungry" and didn't want the food to get in the way of our conversation. He then proceeded to order for us, without asking my opinion, and was very rude to the waitress (who I remind you was my co-worker). When the first part of our meal showed up, he asked that we say a prayer first. Before I could fold my arms and our waitress could set the food on the table, he had started in to it. Needless to say, I was quite embarrassed as the waitress just stood there hold our hot food. When he finished, she put down the food and rushed away, all while trying to contain her laughter.

And not that this has anything to do with the prayer.... but he ate basically the entire meal himself, asked that we put my employee discount on the check, and then expected a good night kiss.

Ya... right.

"Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be." [James 3:10]

I have spent six hours on this topic and will spend no more, because I'm going to watch Groundhog's Day. If you are unsatisfied with my answer please use the comment box to fill in the gaps with your own answer.

Love,

Josh

182nd Ask Josh - Sneeze Unease

2011-11-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post asked:

I work in a small office where no one says "bless you" when you sneeze, nor do they say "thank you" if you say it to them. I am always careful to not add the "God" in fear of offending someone, but the complete lack of acknowledgement is odd -- or did I miss a new political correctness memo? (Character limit: 1200)

....

Dear WaPo,

Nobody blesses you when you sneeze? And your blessings for others' sneezes are going unrecognized? It may just be a new way of cutting costs by not spending company time acknowledging sneezes.

Before you start the intra-office upheaval, consider whether this is the battle that will bring the most benefit. If it is worth the trouble, consider these solutions:

If you want people to notice your sneezes and blessings, shake things up with a new approach. Next time when you sneeze, just hold it in. When someone asks you why you would do something so notoriously unhealthy, say you're saving it for a more appreciative audience.

When someone else sneezes, you can make the cliché into something fresh by saying, "Bless us all, everyone." Each sneeze episode will now have a nice Dickensian twist. You'll almost assuredly get some heads to lift up and acknowledge your creative take on the old tradition.

Finally, if your sneeze joke variation doesn't work, try going the other way. Rebut a sneeze with a phrase of disgust, "Sick! Let's try exercising some quiet dignity, shall we?" If any co-workers pooh-pooh it, you can facilitate a conversation about modern etiquette in the aftermath of office sneezes.

Love,

Josh

181st Ask Josh - To B-School, or not to B-School?

2011-10-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

David said...

I'm struggling to know if I should major in Economics or Buisness. What would be the pros and cons of those? Also I just got back from my mission and everyone seems to tell me what to do with my life. So if everyone can tell me, I want the Josh Guest opinion.

.....

Dear Readers,

If you are not interested in Economics and Business majors but still want to glean some generally applicable information from this post, skip directly to the "Some questions I have asked myself" or "Final Thoughts" sections of the article. You may also benefit from seeking information from Learning Outcome section on your university website as well as learning more from the Occupational Outlook Handbook, available online here.

Love,

Josh

.....

Dear David,

I will answer your question as though you were a student at Brigham Young University for these reasons: a.) because you are, and b.) because I am, too. But more importantly c.) I can give you more specific information about the programs and resources available to you.

First of all, kudos on narrowing it down to just two, although allow me to put an asterisk on that kudos by saying that a decision to study business is no more nuanced than deciding that sandwiches are your favorite food.

Now, as regards the question at hand, the more I study this topic, the more difficult it becomes for me to answer it. Choosing a major is at once overblown in how important it is, and yet too important to treat lightly seeing as how it carries such potential to lock your career’s trajectory and close certain doors if approached thoughtlessly.

Some questions that I have asked myself before I had to make such a decision:

· Can I be the best in the world at this? (Note: You don’t even have to actually say yes to this to have it be a positive answer. Can you picture yourself executing in this field really well? Can you see yourself putting in the 10,000+ hours of practice in this field?)

· Do these concepts resonate with me as obvious (for example, when you talk about inelastic demand, do you say to yourself “Well, duh!”?)

· How easily have I understood the concepts for the prerequisite classes?

· Do I enjoy studying this topic?

· Will a degree in this topic prepare me for a job that I want?

· Do I think about this subject even when I don’t have to?

· Will the world compensate me for my expertise in this area?

· Will a career in this field accommodate the lifestyle I want (in factors beyond compensation, such as family life, prestige, Church callings, continued learning, etc.)?

· Do I find that this line of work makes a meaningful contribution to society?

Some sources of information that you may find useful include the Learning Outcomes of the various majors. If you compare what the two majors actually teach you, a clear answer may present itself.

Learning Outcomes of the BS Economics[i]:

· Lifelong Learning & Development

· Preparation for Graduate Studies in

o Economics

o Business

o Finance

o Law

o Public Policy

o “Related disciplines”

· Career Preparation

o Consulting

o Business

o Finance

o Management

o “Related fields”

· Economic Problem Solving - conceptualize a wide range of constrained optimization problems in economics and related fields and will be able to apply formal mathematical analysis to evaluate these problems.

· Microeconomics – understand and apply principles of perfect competition, price theory and neoclassical extensions.

· Macroeconomics - understand intermediate macroeconomic principlesand will be able to apply standard macroeconomic models to the analysisof contemporary public policy issues or problems.

· Econometric Analysis - conduct basic econometric analysis including using data to estimate behavioral models, test hypotheses and measure quantitative relationships; they will have a basic understanding of mathematical statistics that underlies applied econometric analysis.

· Content Specialization and Mastery - become knowledgeable in one or more fields of economics including: history of economic thought, antitrust and regulation, law and economics, international trade theory, economic development, economic growth, monetary theory and policy, and natural resource and environmental, financial, labor, health, and agricultural economics.

Learning Outcomes of the BS Management[ii]:

· IT Literacy

o Use data for managerial decision-making. Manipulate and analyze data to make appropriate recommendations for managerial decision-making.

o Design, build, and query a database to apply correct principles of data storage and extraction.

o Develop effective personal computer and Internet search skills.

· Critical Thinking

o Analyze information to address organizational issues. Gather, evaluate, and focus information in order to analyze an organizational issue, problem, or opportunity.

o Strategic thinking frameworks. When confronted with a business situation or problem, use appropriate strategic thinking frameworks to maximize organizational performance.

o Adapt to change. Assess and adapt to new information and changing environments.

o Interpret business data. Accurately interpret evidence, statements, and graphical depictions of business data.

· Communication

o Compose texts. Compose various commonly occurring business texts, achieving effectiveness in design, organization, content, and style.

o Grammar. Demonstrate knowledge of generally accepted grammar standards (from Writing & Speaking for Business).

o Oral presentations. Give effective oral presentations with appropriate visual support, achieving effectiveness in message media, and messenger.

o Communication skills. Communicate results and recommendations to stakeholders.

· Ethics

o Applying frameworks to resolve ethical dilemmas. Apply contemporary and classic frameworks in analyzing ethical dilemmas and suggest appropriate courses of action for resolving them.

o Individual influences on ethical judgments. Recognize how individual differences and cognitive barriers influence ethical judgment;

o Applying personal values in ethical decisions. Identify and prioritize personal values and apply them in making ethical decisions.

o Discussing moral dilemmas effectively. Engage in logically sound discussion about moral dilemmas using the language of business ethics.

· Emphasis specific expected learning outcomes (I won’t include them. You can find them yourself. Just follow the link in the endnote below.)

o Entrepreneurship

o Finance

o Global supply chain and operations

o Marketing

o Organizational behavior and human resources management

o Strategy

o General business

I will make the assertion—with the expectation that readers who disagree will promptly comment to correct me—that Economics is more of a liberal arts degree, emphasizing on the theories, ideas, and history of the craft. Business management, on the other hand, is set up more like a trade school or technical school, you get very practical curriculum that will help you in your day-to-day activities: writing memos, building spreadsheets, making a presentation.

You may find some useful insight at the website for the Bureau of Labor Statistics, specifically in the Occupational Outlook Handbook. If you look up Economists[iii], the OOH will tell you about:

· Nature of the Work

· Training, Other Qualifications, and Advancement

· Employment

· Job Outlook

· Projections

· Earnings

· Wages

· Related Occupations

· Sources of Additional Information

Some of the projections by the U.S. government yielded the following tidbits of information to add to your pros and cons list for Economics.

· Slower than average job growth is expected.

· You’re going to need a master’s or Ph.D. degree for many private sector economist jobs.

· Quantitative skills are important in all economics specialties.

· Economists often work alone, writing reports, preparing statistical charts, and using computers, but they may also be an integral part of a research team.

· You will need skills in statistics, accounting, calculus or a combination of those.

· With just a bachelor’s degree you may be able to get a job as a research assistant, marketing or finance positions, or various sales jobs.

· Aspiring economists should gain experience in gathering and analyzing data, conducting interviews or surveys, and writing reports on their findings while in college.

· Many people with an economics background become teachers.

· Median annual wages are $89,450. First and third quartiles are approximately $64k and $123k.[iv]

· Many of the highest paying jobs are in scientific, management, and technical consulting services.

· Top paying industries include monetary authorities-Central Bank, Depository Credit Intermediation, and Scientific Research and Development Services.

· States with the highest concentration of economist jobs include District of Columbia, Vermont, Alaska, Oregon, and West Virginia.

· Top paying states for economists are Arizona (Annual mean wage $147k/year), Virginia, District of Columbia, Maryland and California.

Looking at the various Management Occupations[v], there is almost no standardized list of information. There is information on General Operations Managers all the way up to Chief Executives.

· Median annual wages for General Operations Managers is $94,400. First and third quartiles are approximately $65k and $142k.[vi]

· States with the highest concentration of jobs and location quotients in general management include: District of Columbia, Alaska, Maryland, Utah and Idaho.

· Keen competition is expected for top executive job because the prestige and high compensation of these jobs attract a substantial number of applicants.[vii]

· Top executives are among the highest paid workers; however, long hours, considerable travel, and intense pressure to succeed are common.

· The formal education and experience of top executives vary as extensively as the nature of their responsibilities, but many of these workers have at least a bachelor’s degree and considerable experience.

· General and operations managers plan, direct, or coordinate the operations of companies and other organizations. Their duties include formulating policies, managing daily operations, and planning the use of materials and huan resources that are too diverse and general in nature to be classified into any one area of management or administration, such as personnel, purchasing, or administrative services.

· Top executives are under intense pressure to succeed.

· Little to no change in employment of top executives is expected

· Highest paying industries for managers were Computer systems design, management, scientific, and technical consulting services, management of companies and enterprises, building equipment contractors and local government.

Some decisionmaking templates you may find useful, maybe too useful…

Template 1:

Which would you rather study? (circle one)

Economics

Business Management

Template 2:

Why choose just one?

Draw a line to connect any of the one with the other. Note: you may draw multiple lines from a single entry on either side.

Fill in the blanks with a field of study that interests you (You may put multiple subjects in some of the blank spots).

Bachelor’s degree major _____________________

Bachelor’s degree minor _____________________

Master’s degree major _____________________

Master’s degree minor (they do exist) _____________________

Doctoral degree _____________________

Study on your own as a hobby _____________________

Internship _____________________

Research assistant _____________________

Template 3: My high school golf coach once gave me this sage advice, which I now pass on to you: Get professional help.

BYU’s Career and Counseling Center has a battery of tests, some of them free, others costing $2-$13, which may help you. The tests that are $9+ include an appointment with a professional counselor to go over the results with you. You may find those resources at http://ccc.byu.edu/casc/career-assessments.They are:

Type Focus
Self-Directed Search (SDS)
Discover
Strong Interest Inventory
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) - Career Report
Campbell Interest and Skill Survey (CISS)

Final Thoughts

It does not matter so much what you study during your undergraduate degree. Your undergrad makes you interesting, but your graduate school degree makes you employable.

The purpose of your education, which I am taking as a paraphrase from BYU Economics professor Dr. James Kearl, is to teach you 1.) How to write 2.) How to learn.

When you are paying for your college degree, you are not paying for facts, or even knowledge, you are paying for a network.

“BYU is not here to help you make money. … BYU has been established to extend to you the very glory of God, his intelligence, his light, and his truth.”[viii]

It really does not matter what you study. It is not the degree that matters but the person behind it.

“Don’t worry about the future. Or worry… The real troubles in your life are apt to be the things that never crossed your worried mind …Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.”[ix]

Read Henry C. Eyring’s book “Major Decisions.” If you don’t have the money to buy a copy or you can’t succeed in obtaining one from a library, borrow mine.

You can be a member in good standing with the Church with either profession. Former BYU President Merrill J. Bateman got his Ph.D. in Economics from MIT. President Henry B. Eyring got his MBA and DBA from Harvard. And Clayton Christensen studied both economics and business (B.A. in economics from BYU, M. Phil in applied econometrics from Oxford, and a MBA and DBA from Harvard).

“What do you do when you have prepared carefully, have prayed fervently, waited a reasonable time for a response, and still do not feel an answer? You may want to express thanks when that occurs, for it is an evidence of His trust. …When you are living righteously and are acting with trust, God will not let you proceed too far without a warning impression if you have made the wrong decision.”[x]

Have a great day.

Josh

[i] Expected Learning Outcomes: BYU Economics B.S. http://bit.ly/r8FX0e Accessed October 20, 2011

[ii] Expected Learning Outcomes: BYU Management B.S. http://bit.ly/pF9fdt Accessed October 20, 2011

[iii] “Economist.” Bureau of Labor Statistics: Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2010-11 Edition. Accessed October 20, 2011. http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos055.htm

[iv] “Economists” Occupational Employment and Wages, May 2010. http://www.bls.gov/oes/current/oes193011.htm

[v] Management Occupations (Major Group) http://www.bls.gov/oes/current/oes110000.htm

[vi] “11-1021 General and Operations Managers” Occupational Employment and Wages, May 2010. http://www.bls.gov/oes/current/oes111021.htm.

[vii] “Top Executives” Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2010-11 Edition. http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos012.htm

[viii] Holland, Jeffrey R. “The Inconvenient Messiah.” BYU Devotionals. 27 February 1982. Emphasis included in original publication. http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=6831 [Bold lettering added]

[ix] Shmich, Mary. “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young.” Chicago Tribune. June 1, 1997. http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/chi-schmich-sunscreen-column,0,5909206,full.column [Bold lettering added]

[x] Scott, Richard G. “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer.” Ensign. April 2007. http://bit.ly/nYuH4b [Bold lettering added]

180th Ask Josh - Heaps of Trouble: In a Full Nelson

2011-10-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Anonymous asked...

What do we do with Jake Heaps?

...

Dear Anonymous,

We'll be happy for Jake Heaps that he has married for eternity. And I say that in all earnestness without a sliver of mockery. Some people dream of being in Jake Heaps shoes. I would not want to be that man for a second. He missed out on his mission, presumably so he would not have to put his college football career on hold. He got married very young with a probable ten-year plan in mind that he would be playing football at the college level for another three years, followed by at least a stint in the NFL before moving on to a career in sales like Luke Staley, or maybe sports reporting like Steve Young or Vai Sikahema (Jake is a communications major).

That entire 10-year plan is now seriously called into question. Imagine the self doubt that must be creeping in. The situation is probably not as bad as Jake may think. If he could take a step back from all this speculation about his future then he would take this phase in stride and learn as much from it as he can. He will likely have stellar junior and senior years, but it's hard to see that right now. He will be a better leader, athlete, father, and person after arriving on the other end of this, but it's hard to see that right now. Jake must be stressed, his wife must be stressed, his in-laws must be pulling their hair out. That part is easy to see right now.

My three favorite theories about why he is benched:

1.) Jake hasn't lost anything. He's not a has been, he's a never was. He is playing just as well now as he was in high school. He plays the same game of lobbing the ball into the far corner of the end zone.

2.) Jake is just as good as he was last year, if not better. The only reason he pails in comparison to Riley statistically is because Jake had to play the tough teams like Ole Miss, Texas, Utah and Central Florida while Riley took on a tired Utah State, San Jose State and Oregon State. Though the flaw with that is that Jake and Riley both played against the same Utah State team and the difference was like night and day.

3.) His wife - This is his all his wife's fault, through no fault of her own. Chad Lewis would disagree and say that those who "lose the edge" after marriage are just making excuses. But Burgess Meredith's character in Rocky would axiomatically reply, "Women weaken legs."

As I see Jake's sullen sideline expressions I sometimes ponder the implications of a person of Jake's age and occupation getting married to an upperclasswoman who must have some high-earning expectations for her new hubby. Who can blame her, really? She is most likely keeping a stiff upper lip and mentally preparing herself to live a life of poverty with a man who has no marketable football skills and a college education in Communications (Reminds me of my marriage).

On the other hand, she may be the only person who is not bothered by Jake's midseason meltdown. When Jake has a tough day, he goes home not to a bunch of football fanatic roommates/teammates but his darling bride who has the sense to not let football be everything in his life. Of course his football performance is suffering: it is no longer his top priority.

Jake may be young and probably a little immature, but I don't think he is so young that he doesn't know that his marriage is more important than football. That means that when he has to choose between the two, Jake's career must be sacrificed on the altar. Better to have a successful private marriage and a public failure of a career than the other way around. Maybe if he was married a little later he would be mature enough to balance both, but Jake is still a wee one, a mere babe, less mature in many ways than his peers who are still junior companions out in the mission field.

What do we do with him? We let him take this time to grow up and adjust to being not only a quarterback to his team but a husband to his wife. And if he can't do it, we wish him all the best as he rewrites his life plan. What we won't do is expect him to win at the expense of sacrificing what is most important. That is the one thing we must not do.

I invite you to comment on this topic, especially if you disagree.

179th Ask Josh - Socrates

2011-10-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

Brian asked...

"Is Socrates real? Did he really exist?"

...

Dear Brian,

Yes. I looked up Socrates in the White Pages. He and/or she is/are everywhere. If you say that there was no such person as Socrates, then you will have to tell it to the dozens of Socrates living in Utah alone.

Lauren, my intern, also reported to me that he was a pederast. I won't go into that because this is a family blog. Let's just say that if Socrates were alive today, he'd be doing time.

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations has also confirmed that Mr. Socrates was born 469 B.C. Which means he had to exist. You can't not exist if you were born. That's a rule.

As long as we're on the Socrates subject. Here are a few of his top quotations:

"Often when looking at a mass of things for sale, he would say to himself, 'How many things I have no need of!'"

This line from Diogenes Laertius reminds me of my own personal observation: The best trips to the mall are the ones where I walk out having not spent a cent, yet I leave with the renewed realization that I already had everything I needed before I went in.

"There is only one good, knowledge, and only one evil, ignorance."

Now, imagine if Socrates wanted to play a dastardly trick on the world. All he would have to do is remove the commas from that last sentence and future philosophers for millennia to come would be racking their brains wondering what was the one and only good knowledge out there. And imagine how jittery they would all get if they couldn't figure out which ignorance was the evil one.

"I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance."

Imagine Socrates saying that at a lecture at your school. "I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance. Now, having established my credentials..."

Or, imagine him saying that in a lecture today and a few minutes later a student raises his hand and says, "You totally ripped that off from Confucius." And then Socrates gets all defensive and gets all flustered. And suddenly the cops come and take him away. If you looked up pederast then you'll understand why. Can you imagine? You did, didn't you? You saw Socrates in your head. Ergo, he existed, even if only in your mind.

On the other hand, maybe he didn't exist. It's really unverifiable at this point. And all we are is dust in the wind, dude.

178th Ask Josh - Friend Zone

2011-09-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

Anonymous asked....

Have you ever answered an Ask Josh post about being inthe friend zone? Like, if it's possible to get out ofthe friend zone? ... I mean, you are kind of the proconsidering you and Susan were friends first.

.....

Dear A,

A. I have not answered an Ask Josh about the friend zone.This is new.

B. It must be possible to get out of the friend zone. Youyourself have pointed out that I have done so. However, a removal from theFriend Zone is never a decision that one person makes. It is a bilateralundertaking.

Part I: Friend Zone defined

Before I discuss getting out of the "friend zone,"allow me to spend a little bit of time explaining what the "friendzone" is:

The Friend Zone ("Zone") is a designation given toa member of the opposite sex who is interested in a romantic relationship butis thwarted and thus consigned to a platonic "just friends"relationship with the object of his/her affection.

Ryan Reynolds expounded on this point in "JustFriends" (start at :20). If you don't want to watch the video, here is the line: "When a girl decides that you're a friend, you're no longer a dating option. You become a complete non-sexual entity in her eyes, like a brother, or a lamp."

This can happen to girls as well, but I think it's morecommon among guys. Urban Dictionary confirmed this hypothesis with this dandylittle urban definition which I had to edit for content by adding some"bleeps" to hide all the [bleep]ing cuss words:

Friend Zone (frend zohn):

A very frustrating and very [bleep] place to be. More commonly experienced by men than women. Mostly becuase [sic] of the fact that men are comfortable with being in a relationship/[bleep]ing a friend, where women will [bleep] and moan about not wanting to ruin a frendship [sic], somehow overlooking the fact that guys already have friends, and so do they. Stupid [bleep]s.

While it is possible for both men and women to experience this phenomenon, I will for the remainder of this article assume that theman is the one in the Zone for the reader's ease.

Interesting bit of trivia: According to Wikipedia, the termwas first popularized in the television series "Friends", when Rosswas pursuing Rachel even though his other friends called him the mayor of theFriend Zone.

Part II: Getting Out of the Zone

Getting out of the Friend Zone ("FZ") requiresquick recognition and speedy action to overcome Friend Zone Inertia. The longer theman waits, the more effort will be required, and the less probable he is tosucceed The greatest exception being that he may make a pact with hisfriend-who-is-a-girl ("FWIAG") to get married when they are both 40years old or some other arbitrary designated age.

Speedy action is required to get out of the Zone because if a friend who desires to become a lover does not nip their Just Friend statusin the bud, the Friend Zone Inertia ("FZI") becomes too high, makingit impossible for him to move out without taking desperate (and thereforeoff-putting) measures. Thus, as he entrenches himself more deeply in hisposition as just a friend, the increase in inertia causes a decrease inprobability that he will successfully extricate himself from his Just-a-Friend designation.

For example, in 500 Days of Summer. The "500 days"is significant because we see that the longer this para-romantic tango goes on--i.e., the closer wemove to the 500th day of being in this strange "just friends"purgatory/limbo state--the less likely it is that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is goingto get out of Zooey's Friend Zone. Note: I am not going to recommend you watchthat movie. But those of you who have seen it should easily connect to what Iam trying to say to you. I have furnished the trailer here for your conveniencebut you do not need to watch the trailer, either:

A caveat: Do not confuse the idea of Friend Zone withFriendship. The two are not interchangeable. The law of FZI does not apply totwo people who are attracted to each other and start out as friends. Theirromantic relationship is almost inevitable. Friend Zone refers to when one hasestablished that he or she is romantically interested in the other whereastheir counterpart considers them as just a friend.

Now, hope is not entirely lost if the man is stuck in theFriend Zone and has found that he is either a.) too late to exit the FZ or b.) unwilling to apply the needed effort to exit the FZ. This may beaccomplished by setting up the pact with his friend-who-is-a-girl. The man willhave, by default, positioned himself as someone his FWIAG, by default, will notbe dating. In fact, she may redouble her efforts to get married just to get outof the pact, as all of my former co-pactors demonstrated by their speedymarriages. Though I have never actually seen anyone go through with one ofthese pact marriages, we will assume for our purposes that friends who are justfriends may get out of the friend zone 15-17 years later if both meet therequirements of being 40 and still single (some may move up the deadline to 30years, but I don't know many women who believe that by the time they reach 30they will have no reason to want to continue playing the field instead ofmarrying their FWIAB (Friend-who-is-a-boy).

I have made a graph below to demonstrate the onset of FZI andhow it affects the probability that the relationship can go from being"just friends" to "lovers." While these percentagenumbers are rather arbitrary, the direction of the line should show therelationship between time and probability of leaving the FZ. These highpoints in the graph below represent the probability that a person will be ableto move out of the FZ and either become lovers or a non-friend. resultingin something of a bimodal map showing your chances of success. Once designatedas "just a friend," the longer someone waits to take action, the lesslikely he will be to win her affections.

Other insight regarding the difficulty of progress after theonset of time:

"[In] its beginning, it is easy to cure, but hard torecognize; whereas, after a time, not having been detected and treated at thefirst, it becomes easy to recognize but impossible to cure." - NiccoloMachiavelli, The Prince

"When you engage in actual [courtship], if victory islong in coming, the [man]'s weapons will grow dull and [his] ardour will bedamped. If you lay siege to a [Friend Zone], you will exhaust your strength.... Thus, though we have heard of stupid haste in [getting out of the FriendZone], cleverness has never been seen associated with long delays. There is noinstance of a [man] having benefited from prolonged warfare [against the FriendZone]." - Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Part III: Actions To Be Taken

Up until now I have explained what the Friend Zone is. I havedistinguished the Friend Zone from Friendship. I have tried to explain thedifficulty of leaving the Friend Zone as time increases the amount of FriendZone Inertia in the relationship, thus making it more difficult and less likelythat the relationship will move from a platonic relationship to a romanticrelationship.

Now I will give possible courses of action, I will notgive recommended courses of action. Partially because I don't recommend tryingto remove yourself from being "just friends." In my opinion, it doesnot work. As I explained earlier, by the time you realize that you need to takeaction to get out of the FZ, time has made it that much more difficult for youto get out of it. If you look at this pie chart below, I am not saying that itis impossible, but it is very unlikely that your attempts to get out of the FZwill result in leprosy, death, or your head exploding. However, your chances ofactually getting out of the FZ are not that much better.

As you can see, what is more likely is that you will makethings awkward for you and your friend and you may end up making it moredifficult to even be just your friend. That may be okay with you because of allthose sayings you hear like, "nothing ventured, nothing gained","Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: 'it might havebeen.'" You may be willing to risk it because you feel to sing the wordsof Lobo: "I love you too much to ever start liking you, so don't expect meto be your friend."

Another problem with trying to get out of the FZ: The actionstaken to get out are often likely to come across as desperate, sad, andultimately off-putting. So I would put the following list of possible courses ofaction in the same category as "How to Cram for a Test", "How toWin a Hot Dog Eating Contest" and "How to Drive Down a Flight ofStairs." You shouldn't do it. But if you must:

Ask her out on a date.
Destroy your television.
Then, ask her if you can watch So You Think You Can Dance at her apartment (because your television is broken).
Order a pizza to eat while you watch the dancing on So You Think You Can Dance (that's what I did).
Try engaging in necking, this could go on for years (Note: I only put this on because I watched Sleepless in Seattle last night).
Get over it, go out with somebody else. Raise that DHV.
Bring it up in conversation. After all, she is your friend. Bring it up as a question, "What do you think it would be like if we went out on a date?"
Get James Franco to say to her the feelings you have always had in your heart all along (link here if you want to see it done, start at 5:00).
"Lay one on her." - Nicole J.
"You kiss. [Whether or not you're successful] you'll be out of the Friend Zone either way." - Ryan S.
"Take notes: I wasn't at all interested in dating. ... Ask her on a date. A couple days later ask her to marry you. Date for the rest of the month. Then spend the next two years doing a long-distance relationship via webcam. Then get married in 2008."
"Kiss her. Dip her."
"Just propose."
"Don't ask desperate."
"Just grab her hand, that will take care of it all."
"Just tell her you can't be friends anymore."
You can do what Jerry Seinfeld did.
"Trick her.
"Spend more one-on-one time together. Bam. Done deal."
"Give her a gift. Then ask her about dating."

Unfortunately, all the successstories involve kissing and/or proposing. That's what I did, too. Susan willattest. Why does this seem to work even though it seems like such a badidea? Though there is something to be said for those who take initiative and use boldness...

May the odds be ever in your favor.

Josh

176th Ask Josh - Pt. 2 - If Not For Utah

2011-09-02T09:58:00.000-07:00

Brooke asked as a followup to the last post:

"What do you dislike about Utah [if anything]?"

.............

Dear Brooke,

I just told you all about what I like in Utah. It's not easy to find negative things when I just spent all my time seeking the good in Utah. You know what is much easier: talking about what I dislike about U2. Since I don't follow U2, here are some funny things people have said about why they don't like U2:

Pretentious
Bloated music
Overbearing
Derivative
Their fans
This funny post where Maddox lists the 11 worst songs of 2004 and they are all from U2's latest album at that time.

Oh my goodness, I am so bored hating on U2. I can't waste any more time on it. Back to your question after this little vid (maybe jump to 1:25 to get to the fun part):

As for things I dislike about Utah, I am going to crowdsource that one, too:

Snow - Troy S.
Mormons - Also Troy
Logan - Brian N.
Logan drivers - Tyler M.
Wintertime inversion - Tyler again
"Don't quote me on the Mormons." - Troy again
"That's a very general question." - Erin W.
"Going back home costs me $2500." - Vandita R.
"Everyone wears shorts to class." - Vandita again
"I have no idea." - Reece I.
"When there is a thunderstorm, everybody freaks out." - Ryan S.
"Everyone likes to talk about how Utah has the highest per capita use of anti-depressants." - Me, I don't like that. Get over it, people. It does not mean that Mormons have a tendency to be depressed.
"The drivers"
"All the Mormons" - Ryan X.
"There is nothing to do if you aren't with a date or FHE group." - Rebecca K.
"Lack of diversity... of people, ideas, everything." - Shaun B.
"Supposedly Christlike people won't let you merge." - Christopher X.
"The fact that plastic surgery is a growth industry here. Where are all these burn victims coming from? If it's not burn victims, then think of the sheer number of Utahns getting a downgrade in the resurrection." - Clay J.
"The stinky Salt Lake" - Clay again
"The stinky Utah Lake" - Clay yet again
"Male music majors" - still Clay
"Artsy engagement photos where the couple stands up straight, looks at the camera straight on, arms hanging at their sides, no contact at all. They look like they're posing for a body scan at airport security. Ironically, these people are often the most outspoken critics of Utah." - Clay... come on, man.

"High School Musical fans who consider East High as their Mecca." - Clay really has a lot to say on the subject
"Utah State fans" - Yep, Clay
"I can't find any place to eat in Salt Lake other than Red Rock and Olive Garden." - Clay has issues finding places to eat in Salt Lake
"Summer salesmen." - Clay also can't sell
"Multi-level marketing." - Clay still sore about putting money upfront to join an MLM and then making no money off of it.
"Miracle juice that costs $200 a bottle." - Haters gonna hate
"People who live in Utah but can't stop griping about how much they hate living in Utah." - Me. Also Clay. I'm Clay.
"The Spice Girls did a music video here." - Clay is right.

When I Google "Why is Utah..." the results come back like this:

Why is Utah the beehive state
Why is Utah so weird
Why is Utah called the beehive state
Why is Utah the most depressed state (Me: "Grrrrrr")
Why is Utah the most stressed state

When I Google "Utah is" I get these results:

Utah islamic center
Utah issues
[insert various nonsense here]

When I add a space after "Utah is", I get:

Utah is boring
Utah is famous for
Utah is the worst state
Utah is in what time zone
Utah is crazy

There you have it. Some things that are not liked in Utah.

Readers, since I'm feeling generous today, and because I don't want to end the blog on such a negative topic, I will tack this onto the last wish. So you still have one wish remaining. What is the best thing to wish for?

Love,

Josh

176th Ask Josh - Do You Like Utah

2011-09-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

Brooke asked:

Do you like Utah?

....

Dear Brooke,

Yes. I like Utah.

Some things I like about Utah:

BYU football
J Dawgs
All my homies in the JRCLS
T-shirts that carry the likeness of Norm Nemrow and Cecil O. Samuelson
Student entrepreneurship projects like Sno-Shack and Flirty Aprons
Infinity frozen dessert shops
Deseret Industries
Bryce Canyon
Wasatch Mountains
B-Money
Temple Square
Jimmermania
Harold B. Lee Library
Thai restaurants on every corner
Two-hour long lines at Olive Garden on Friday nights
Sam Weller Bookstore

On an unrelated note, Mission: Impossible 2 is so ridiculous, I felt like I was watching Knight & Day.

The more I think about M:I 2, the less I am able to think. This is really just filled with utter tripe. Which is too bad because I really liked the first and third movies. I am just now getting around to watching #2 and it is something awful. Susan and I are waiting for Tom Cruise to jump his motorcycle into a helicopter. He just made a car roll over three times by whipping his arm around 270 degrees and shooting it with a pistol. The bad guys pursuing him are swerving all over the road for no good reason. Now he just killed a car full of bad guys by making a cloud of smoke with his spinning motorcycle wheel.

Okay, more things I like about Utah:

Dollar movie theaters
Frisbee golf courses

Hold on, Tom Cruise is sliding his bike under a car. He almost cut a guy's head off with his motorcycle tire. Instead he through his flaming motorcycle away before jumping into his enemy's arms in a mid-air high-speed chest bump, subsequently causing him to fall off a cliff, where they wrestled in the sand for a bit. He just stopped a knife from entering his eyeball.

The Jazz
The Saltair
Eight-lane freeways on their way
Sundance Film Festival
"The Greatest Snow on Earth"

Nuts, the DVD is skipping. Tom Cruise now has the knife. he threw it in the sand and killed the knife-wielding bad guy with his ankle. I am not making this up. I wish I was. He really looks like a girl with his long hair. Both he and his foe have delivered at least 10 death blows to each other. He finally died.

Rachael Ray's vacation spot
Robert Redford
The fact that Dumb & Dumber was filmed here.
The fact that Footloose was filmed here, too.
Antimony, population 122

The bad guy is still not dead! And now he's got a gun! And he's telling Tom Cruise that he should have killed him. Tom Cruise just kicked a pistol out of the sand and fired and killed the bad guy as the bad guy was shooting Tom Cruise.

Adobe, EBay, Omniture... We're turning into the next Silicon Valley
Park City
Olympic Village

Susan just pointed out to me that no virus syrup is ever red, and no antidote is ever green. Yet this is precisely the source of all Tom Cruise's ado.

America's #2 Best Burger City
Crown Burger
The Saturday evening rush at Wal-Mart
Jewelry stores that sell to college students and still remain in business.
Clark Planetarium

Tom Cruise just told Anthony Hopkins that he wiped out all the virus "by fire." It's time to end this. Tom Cruise is kissing Thandie Newton. Doesn't he know that she has some crazy communicable disease?

In conclusion: I like Utah. I do not like M:I 2.

Love,

Josh

p.s. Readers, that's two wishes you have used up. Choose your last wish wisely.

175th Ask Josh - Ridiculous Chinchilla Stupidity

2011-09-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

None of you have made any last requests before I shut down this blog. So I'm going to revisit some old questions I neglected to answer.

Jeff Anderson asked:

"I have a question for you- how many chinchillas fit into a bathtub??"

.............

Dear Jeff,

This is a ridiculous question. One that I don't have time to look up. Lucky for you. My intern, Lauren Hunt, has graciously done some of the heavy lifting on this bologna question of yours. Lauren tells me that one chinchilla fits in a wine glass.

A wine glass is about 0.2 liters in volume. Since little tiny toy bathtubs may be smaller than 0.2 liters then we can say that a bathtub may potentially fit zero chinchillas in it.

The world's largest bathtub, on the other hand may fit many chinchillas. According to YouTube, the world's largest bathtub is 25' x 12' x 72'. That comes to 21,600 cubic feet. You may argue that it's really just a pool and that the guy who made it called it a tub because he was a pervball who wanted all who entered the pool to do so in a naked bathtub-like fashion. In any case, 21,600 cubic feet is the equivalent of 28.3168466 liters. Meaning that the nasty perv pool/bathtub holds 611,643.887 liters, or 3,058,219 chinchillas. Which is approximately 3060 times the population of chinchillas remaining in the world.

There, you see? You just wasted your first wish. I will grant two more wishes and then the blog is done. Choose your wishes wisely.

Love,

Ask Josh

p.s. Here is the video of the world's largest bathtub. Cheers.

174th Ask Josh - The End of an Era

2011-08-23T21:17:00.001-07:00

Dear Readers,

I just began business school this last week and one of my orientation classes discussed my brand on the Internet. While I do not regret nor do I take back anything previously written on this blog I must concede that my brand does leave much to be desired in terms of a professional presence.

Though it pains me to announce it, I must bring this blog to a close. The real world of business must never know about my numerous sordid dances, my pontifications regarding dating, tales of former lovers (mine and yours), and my open hostility to capri pants shared with Senator Hatch even though I was registered to vote in Oregon.

Consider this my two weeks notice.

I hereby commit to answer 3 more questions. Call it my last blog's bequeathal, my granting of three wishes, or whatever you want to call it. I will write 3 more answers and/or grant 3 wishes. You the readers may submit your new questions, ask me to re-answer an old question, or remind me to dig up and answer a forgotten question you submitted yet went unanswered. True to my word, I will field any question or fulfill any request I am capable of taking on.

Please Tweet any questions or requests you may have towards @JoshGuessed or put the hashtag #AskJosh by August 31, 2011. Then we'll vote; I'll write; and then I'll go. Choose wisely, for I will only grant thee these wishes three.

Love Always,

Josh

173rd Ask Josh - Remi-missing?

2011-08-10T22:15:00.000-07:00

Anna Carrera of Channel 9 ABC in Wisconsin asked:

"dear Josh Guest. what do you miss most about 150 BRMB? from anna."

...

Note to Readers: 150 BRMB refers to the newsroom in the Brimhall Building at BYU where I used to participate on the BYU Daily News in capacities that included reporter, anchor, producer, weatherman, assignment editor, tape editor.

Dear Anna,

You should know that I am not one to sit and reminisce about the good old times. And I really don't miss much anymore because I have something either bigger or better to keep me distracted, thus leaving me without any emotional need to long for the old times.

But, I must say... I really loved improvising jokes. My favorite joke, which never hit airwaves, was in response to a story about a horse that held a paintbrush in its mouth. As soon as the camera cut back to me at the anchor's desk I said, "And I thought they were only good for making glue." I didn't think it was that funny of a joke, but I could hear the uproarious laughter all the way from the director's booth. I always miss telling the jokes. I always miss the laughter, and I get addicted to the attention. It is never enough to be able to sit on my haunches humorwise. As it is in the newsroom, so it is in humor: you're only as good as your last joke.

One of my other favorite jokes was in response to the birthday of the Greek basketball legend Lazaros Papadopoulos. Since it was raining that day I said to watch out because it was "papadopouling" outside. The producers didn't like that joke. Sometimes I tell the jokes just for me.

Here is a video of the rain-maker himself, papadopouling all over the court:

One other joke I kind of got in trouble for: making light of devastating tornadoes throughout Missouri, saying that the weather down there was "Missouri-able." Here is one thing I don't miss: Looking like a doofus who is speaking unintelligibly. Although I must say: I am working those suspenders.

I guess that a question like this isn't quite as sexy and grabby as some readers may like. But true to my commitment to you, I answered it. And that gave me just one more superb day.

Love,

Josh

p.s. Here is one last video that may give you a kick of inspiration today. The crux of it: try something new for 30 days. It will boost your confidence, and you will learn something new.

172nd Ask Josh - My Superb System

2011-08-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers

This is not in response to a question. This is just me talking about my new self-improvement system. I'm really excited about it, and I need to get it written down otherwise the goals I attach to it are not goals at all, but just wishes. That, and one of the goals is to do some writing every day, be it in my journal or on my blog... nulla die sine linea.

Anyway, my system is SUPERB. S-U-P-E-R-B. And under this system, ideally every day is superb. What does my superb day consist of?

S - Scripture reading

U - something you (as in Susan) picked out for me that week. This first week is to watch HP.

P - Practice a new skill.

E - Exercise 15 minutes. Today I ran to the mall and back. About two miles roundtrip.

R - Writing. I have to write something every day, be it in my journal or my blog.

B - Business reading. I have a stack of pop-business books outside of my new school booklist. So I have to read a little of that everyday to hopefully get through that pile.

While I acknowledge that the reward of a thing well done is having done it (Thank you, Mr. Emerson), Susan has reluctantly allowed me the extrinsic motivation of getting a booster pack of Magic: The Gathering cards for every five consecutive superb days I have, redeemable at the time of family vacation to use in drafts with my dear siblings.

In addition to my intrinsic and extrinsic motivation to help me accomplish these daily tasks, I have decided to make myself accountable to the entire unknowing public. How so? Every time someone asks me how my day went, I will either be able to tell them it was superb, or I will have to say it was less than superb. And since I don't want to have to explain why I am doing less than superb, I will use that as an extra spur to make sure I get everything done, every day.

And now that I have written something today, I can now say with confidence that today was superb.

Readers, I'd love to hear what systems you may be using to achieve your goals. Please share.

Love,

Josh

p.s. Here are some inspirational videos to get you psyched up.

171st Ask Josh - 1st Ask Ginny

2011-08-07T18:42:00.000-07:00

Natalie Tripp of KFOX14 asked...

"[W]hy has there not been a post about the most recent addition to the Guest generation?!"

...

Dear Natalie,

I'm going to let Ginny answer this one:

Ginny: Natalie, Natalie, Natalie,

How little research you do. Though I suppose of all current events that fall on the radar of the fourth estate, my father's progeny would only make a tiny blip at best at this point in my lifelong pursuit of attention. On the other hand, I am pretty fabulous. So the fault is on your head.

Indeed, there have been many a post about the most recent addition to the Guest generation. You can find all my beautiful mugshots at weareguest.blogspot.com.

Also, here are some funny anecdotes my daddy posted about me on Facebook. I can't say they're all true. He has trouble listening. As you can see, he doesn't even answer most of the questions he fields anymore.

Anyways, enjoy my hilarity.

Kisses,

Ginny

...

After Ginny arrived at our apartment for the first time, she took one look around said, "So you're both students, huh?" It got real awkward and silent after that.

...

So Ginny and I are having some quality time together. I'm making her watch the Buster Keaton silent film "The General." She's too young to even think that I'm lame, much less tell me so.

...

Ginny asked me, "Dad, is it true you don't like high-maintenance women?"

I acknowledged that it was indeed true.

Ginny just laughed, so much and for so long that she didn't notice me leave the room. It was 5:00 am, after all.

[A few hours later] she finally stopped laughing and said she was ready for a serious conversation. She called me back, "Hey, Dad. Come here for a sec."

"Yes, Ginny?"

"Be a dear and change my diaper, then make me some new furniture!"

She is still laughing over that one. She thinks she is so darn funny.

...

Ginny: "Dad, remember in the hospital how I would immediately stop crying everytime you held me?"

Me: "Yes."

Ginny: "Well that was all an act to get you to bring me home. Also, I pooped my pants again."

...

So I was playing some Settlers of Catan online, and I was getting really excited because I was winning until Ginny rained on my parade:

Ginny: "Dad, you're pathetic."

Me: "You don't even know what that means."

Ginny: "Maybe so, but that doesn't make it any less true."

...

Ginny: "Dad? ... Dad? .... Dad!"
Me: "What?"
Ginny: "It's 2:00 am."
Me: "What's your point?"
Ginny: "I can tell time. See you in two hours."

...

Ginny: "What's a 3 or 4 letter word for someone who can't do the Sunday Times crossword puzzles?"

Josh: "Is it me?"

Ginny: "Well, that's two letters, but I'll still give it to you. I would have accepted 'dad', 'you', or 'Josh'. Also, here's your Sunday crossword puzzle back. Who would have thought that Will Shortz could be so formulaic. I mean "Oreo" again? Oops, milk's coming back up. Towel. Towel!"

...

Ginny: "Gee Dad, I can't believe you really can sing Cat Stevens' Greatest Hits from memory. How long have you spent learning those?"

Me: "All my life."

Ginny: "Interesting, I didn't have you pegged as the type of person that had a life."

...

Ginny: "What's this in my hair, daddy?"
Me: "That's honey, Ginny."
Ginny: "Like the game 'Hummy'?"
Me: "That's 'Rummy', honey."
Ginny: "Well what's this honey doing in my hair, Chummy?"
Me: "Your mom uses it to glue bows to your head, baby."
Ginny: "Well, there's no arguing with her."
Me: "I know."

...

Ginny: "Dad, who is Rebecca Black?"
Me: "Well, before you were born she posted a music video and everybody made fun of it."
Ginny: "So her latest music video that says 'my moment' 26 times in 206 seconds is her revenge on everyone who made fun of her by making a music video about how everyone made fun of her?"
Me: "Yeah, that's about right."
Ginny: "That's perverse. This is my moment spit up now."

...

Ginny: "Dad, what's a potty?"
Me: "It's somewhere you go to make a mess and then promptly leave."
Ginny: "Wait, do you mean party?"
Me: "Actually, I do."

...

Ginny: "Dad, you're dyspeptic."
Me: "That's not even a word."
Ginny: "Yes, it is. Look it up."
[I leave the room] [Moments pass] [I return]
Me: "Well, I knew it was a word, I just didn't think it could be used to describe people."
Ginny: "That's not the point. The point is that a one-week-old got you to look up a word. BOOM! Roasted."

...

Ginny: "Dad, you ever notice how something becomes uncool the instant an EFY kid does it?"

Me: "Give some examples."

Ginny: "Jon Schmidt music, choreographed dancing, playing the ukelele.. they really killed Jason Mraz's 'I'm Yours' on ukulele."

...

Me: "Ginny, go to sleep."
Ginny: "No."

...

Ginny: "I solved the chicken and the egg debacle."
Me: "Oh really?"
Ginny: "It's the chicken. Otherwise nothing incubates the next egg."
Me: "Then where did the chicken come from?"
Ginny: "God put it there."
Me: "And if He didn't?"
Ginny: "Well, I don't mean to get preachy on ya, but if you take Him out of it the entire discussion becomes a philosophical tire spin in a mire of meaninglessness."
Me: "Time for bed."

...

Ginny: "Dad, I've been thinking about the debt ceiling and I..."
Me: "Hold it right there. If you think I'm going to let you use me as a megaphone for some kind of political agenda, then..."
Ginny: "Let me finish, Old Man. I was going to say that if you use an arch structure instead of a post-lintel ceiling, it might cover it."
Me: "Okay, I'll post that."

...

Ginny: "So 'The Locomotion' by Little Eva and 'Crazy Train' by Ozzy Osbourne is the same song, just in different languages?"
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Ginny: "They're both about trains, one train is Crazy, the other is the Loco, the Locomotion"
Me: "Did you YouTube either of these songs before coming to me with this theory?"
Ginny: [looks down, ashamed] "No."

...

Me: "So why do women love Emily Blunt so much?"
Ginny: "She's pretty, but not so pretty that females think of her as a threat."
Me: "Oh what am I doing asking you? You don't know anything about it."
Ginny: "Your fly is open. ... Made you look."

...

Ginny: "You know how the face soap is smaller than the body soap at hotels? That's 'cause the face bars are just used body bars."
Me: "How do you come up with this stuff?"
G: "Logic. You see, your face and body are made of the same skin, why make different soaps? It just didn't add up."
M: "You know the skin on your back is thicker than the skin on your eyelids, right?"
G: "How do you come up with this stuff?"

...

Ginny: "Dad, are you really going to pay all that money for an All-Sports pass just so you can abandon me at home and sit out in the sun or the snow?"
Me: "Yep."
G: "Yeah, you made the right choice."
Susan: "I don't think she really said that."
G: "Mom, it's the first year of independence for BYU. HELLO!?!"
S: "You don't even know what independence means."
G: "I know you are but what am I?"

...

Me:"Look, Susan! Ginny just smiled."
Ginny: "I'm not smiling, I'm pooping. I can't voluntarily smile for another ten weeks. Do your homework, Dad."

...

Ginny: "Dad, I appreciate you trying to help me me out by combing my hair for me. But, to be frank, you're really terrible at this."
Me: "Oh, and I suppose you could do better?"
Ginny: "Well, I don't see how I could make yours any worse..."

...

Ginny: "Who is that person pretending to be a dancer on So You Think You Can Dance?"
Me: "Gaga."
Ginny: "Well obviously. What's the poor guy's name?"
Me: "She is Lady Gaga."
Ginny: "Oh my gaga."

...

Susan: "She's laughing."
Me: "Nope, that wasn't a laugh."
Susan: "Yes, it was."
Me: "Ginny, wanna settle this for us?"
Ginny: "No."
Me: "No, as in it was not a laugh?"
Ginny: "No, as in I don't want to settle this for you."

...

Ginny: "What's with girls all liking Rascal Flatts? What's his deal?"
Me: "It's not a guy, it's a band. Lots of guys."
Ginny: "If it was just one guy, do you think he could take Jethro Tull?"
Me: "I don't know. It's possible. Jethro Tull is also a lot of guys, but they're pretty old."
Ginny: "Rascal Flatts is getting pretty old, Jethro should be fine."

...

Susan [pretending to be Ginny]: "Daddy... Daddy.... Daddy..."
Me waking up: "What is it?"
Susan [still pretending]: "Come change me."
Me: "Ginny, I know that's not you talking. You're not saying that."
Susan: "Can you change her now?"
Me: "Let's wait a little before we do. Maybe she'll potty train herself."
Ginny: "No I won't."

...

Ginny: "Go ahead... shake my hand.... go ahead.... Come on, I'm extending a hand of fellowship to you. Just shake my hand already..."

[I extend my hand to shake it]

Ginny: "[Pulling hand away] Oops! Too slow! Hahahahahah. Boy, Dad. You sure are gullible... You know if I had a nickel for every time you... Dad? Hey Dad, where did you...? Dad!"

...

Ginny: "Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, Natalie Portman, and Mila Kunis are all fighting for a role in a movie about friends with benefits. They draw straws to decide, but Ashton forgot to cut them differently. So Ashton and Natalie hook up in one movie, Justin and Mila hook up in the exact same movie one month later. And Mila and Natalie hook up in the ballet thing."

Me: "Totally setting up Ashton to fake seduce Justin on 'Punk'd.'"

Ginny: "Or setting them up to fall in love in Step Up 4!"

...

Ginny: "Why are the girls on the Brady Bunch taking their step-dad's last name?"

Me: "It doesn't matter."

170th Ask Josh - Tasteless

2011-07-09T13:57:00.000-07:00

Dave Nemrow asked via facebook...

Please create a blog strictly on food. Is this too much to ask for a witty savage as yourself? Did you find the Mac lab when I saw you last?

...

Dear Dave,

I'd be happy as a clam to create at least a Post about food based on your order. Taking requests is my meat and potatoes. I know this may sound corny, but my blog isn't worth a hill of beans if my readers don't acquire a taste for my writing. I know that I am as busy as popcorn on a skillet, and committing to answer every single question may have been biting off more than I could chew, consequently my responses move about as fast as molasses. But once I get started, I can usually finish in just one sitting. It's like they say, the way you eat an elephant is one bite at a time.

Question 1

So, to answer your first question: Is a blog on food too much to ask of a witty savage such as myself?

Well, wit and savagery are my bread and butter. Or rather, wit is my bread and savagery my butter, I mean, savagery is my bread and wit my butter. You know what, wit and savagery both serve as my various breads and various butters (Thanks, Mr. Allen).

Question 2

Did I find the Mac lab?

Well, yes. But who cares? That's small potatoes compared to the more pressing issues of our day.

Conclusion

With Susan reading over my shoulder, it has just occurred to me that you wanted me to create a blog about food. With my exquisite taste I shall grant your wish.

Top 5 Hot Dogs

5. Polish Sausage at Costco

4. Beef dog at J-Dawgs - sauerkraut, banana peppers, grilled onions ketchup, spicy mustard, and the J-Dawg special sauce

3. Completo Italiano - Domino, in Santiago, Chile - chopped tomatoes, avocado, and mayonesa.

2. Sonoran Dog (or barrio dog) - Sabor de Tucson - hot dog, wrapped in bacon, on a circular roll, topped with pinto beans, onions, salsa verde, mustard, mayo, and a glass of horchata on the side.

1. Puka Dog - Puka Dogs in Kauai, Hawaii - Injected with mango relish, spicy garlic mayo, and wrapped in a warm, fluffy bread blanket.

Top 5 Burgers and Sandwiches -- Susan said I should separate the two. But I don't eat that many sandwiches.

5. Double Double - In 'N Out Burger -

4. Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger on Sourdough - Jack in the Box - Make sure you get it on sourdough.

3. Crown Burger - Crown Burger in Salt Lake City - A juicy beef patty topped with pastrami.

2. The Woody Allen - Carnegie Deli - A whole lot of pastrami and whole lot of corned beef. Price is steep at $18.95, but it should last you three meals. Don't forget to take a cheesecake to go.

1. Spicy Enticer - Sensuous Sandwich - Pastrami, italian sausage, and pepperoni with cream cheese.

Top 10 Beverages

10. Shirley Temples at California Pizza Kitchen - I know they're pretty much the same everywhere you go, but CPK gives you free refills on it. Use it to fill in the extra room leftover from your tiny pizza.

9. Caffeine Free Dr. Pepper - Sold only in Utah - Leave the guar gum, take the caffeine.

8. White Gummy Bear - Jamba Juice - One of the secret flavors. No gummy bears were harmed in the making of this drink.

7. Fanta original red creme soda - They don't make this anymore. They haven't made it for at least a decade. But it's delicious.

6. Vanilla Bean Frappucino - Starbucks - Makes any summer day into a great one.

5. The Virgin Pina Colada as Big as Your Head - Red Lobster - It's not actually called that, but that's what I tell the server to bring me. Makes a great addition to the Shrimp Fettucine Alfredo.

4. Tangerine Shake - I recently re-discovered this at Olive Garden after McDonald's took it away over a decade ago.

3. Horchata - Los Caporales in Klamath Falls, OR, is the best I have ever had, but they have gone out of business. Sabor de Tucson makes the best stuff in Utah.

2. Peach Sprite - Red Robin or Utah Valley Regional Medical Center

1. LemonBerry Slush - Sonic

Susan wants to do her own post on food. So I have to go now. Bye.

Josh

169th Ask Josh - Something Stupid

2011-07-06T06:38:00.001-07:00

Walkawalkawalka said...

Do something stupid for our amusement.

....

Dear Walka Walka,

This is, without question, not a question (Waka waka!).

Still, true to the code. Here's something stupid, which I happen to be doing. Hopefully you may find it to be to your amusement.

If that isn't stupid enough for you. Here's more of the same. Also stupid.

And remember what Voldemort said: A bathroom cleaner is not a bathroom cleaner unless it leaves your bathroom cleaner.

Love,

Josh

168th Ask Josh - Soulmate Revisited

2011-07-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

RV asked:

Did you really make Susan take a picture of you with your fake soulmate?

.....

Dear Recreational Vehicle,

I did.

Dear Readers,

Here is the backstory to Mr. Vehicle's question:

Back in March 2009 I posted a story about my experience in the Missionary Training Center where the Elders joked that a certain sister who shall remain unnamed (mostly because I don't know her name) was my MTC soulmate.

One mission and a few additional years later I happened to run into her on campus, in poster form.

From this I learned that she was either a model, an accountant, a model accountant, all three or none of the above.

A couple more years and a marriage later I was in the University Mall with my wife and in-laws, eating a cup of Cold Stone's worst ice cream flavor (hazelnut). Then I look over my shoulder and there she is... again.

I asked Susan for permission to introduce myself to the stranger. Susan said no. So all I got was this photo:

If that picture alone wasn't enough to make you think less of me, here is a list of things we concluded about her:

My old, false alarm soulmate:

First name Hermana
At least 27 years old (unless her father was a mission president which could mean that she is at least 26)
An accountant, a model, or a model accountant.
Likely to be living in Provo, Orem, or somewhere in Happy Valley.
Married, engaged, wearing a fake ring to throw people off, or unaware that she is wearing a ring.

Can't see it? Okay, we'll zoom a little further.

She prefers strawberry or other pink-colored frozen dairy desserts, or she just puts a lot of food-coloring in her hazelnut-flavored shake.

This is what we know.

Also, on an unrelated note. I ran into one of my old arch-nemeses earlier that day. He's in my stake. And we both were volunteering at the Cub Scout Olympics. I ran the horseshoe booth while he was off probably timing sprints or setting an obstacle course or something, that unconscionable miscreant.

There he is. Some things never change.

Blech. I can't stand to write anymore just thinking about him. Thanks for re-opening my old wounds, Rec.

Love,

Josh

167th Ask Josh - Guest Musing's Muses

2011-06-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

Via Twitter BYULaw asked: @JoshGuessed What inspired your guestmusings.blogspot.com?

...

Dear BYU Law,

The URL GuestMusings is inspired by a series of thoughts written by my grandfather, William Charles Guest II. He just titled the paper "Musings." For as long as I could remember up until he passed away he would send an envelope to his friends and family full of photocopies of clippings and thoughts he had written down. I don't have any copies of any of these letters but I recall reading them and occasionally finding a piece of a column by Marilyn Vos Savant or Dave Barry. But I was always intrigued how Grandpa would have a pen and pad always handy so he could take note of any funny things he saw so he could put them in his periodic compilation. Kind of a very slow and non-global version of Twitter pre-dating the invention of text messaging and the Internet.

The Ask Josh format is mostly inspired by Strong Bad from the website HomeStarRunner.com. But more likely to just be a result of wanting attention but not having any purpose for directing that attention once I had it. So I make myself available to answer any question to any person on any topic in exchange for mindshare in the "inane yet humorous blog" market and "likes" on my Facebook wall.

As far as writers go, my biggest inspirations as a writer include Dave Barry, Malcolm Gladwell, David Brooks and Strong Bad. I enjoy each of their contributions to the modern American conversation.

Now, time for some emails from Strong Bad.

Love,

Josh

166th Ask Josh - MTC Entry date, 6 years later

2011-05-25T09:35:00.000-07:00

Note: I know there is no question associated with this. So I know this isn't actually a question. And I know that this is the exact same post I put on my family blog at weareguest.blogspot.com. But I wanted to post it here, too.

Love,

Josh

......

Today marks exactly six years since I entered the MTC to begin my mission to Santiago, Chile. It is also six years since I first watched an episode of The Office (I didn't watch it in the MTC, but stayed up until after midnight watching it with my siblings while we played Risk until 2:00 am the night before).

This morning I woke up in my apartment in downtown Santiago and I watched an episode of "La Ófis", the Chilean version of the television franchise since I can't watch the American version since Hulu, Netflix and NBC don't work down here.

I can't say that not much has changed in six years, but I can say that things have a funny way of coming full circle.

While in Chile I have had the opportunity to accompany a pair of local missionaries who are currently serving in the last ward I served in. Once I get off work at 7 or 8 pm, I take the local Metro down to the end of the red line, hop on a bus, and I meet the Elders at the chapel or I get to the evening appointment just before they do and spend a while conversing with my Chilean brothers and sisters.

One of these evenings the Bishop (note on the Bishop: back when I was in the ward he was a newly returned missionary, now he is married to the old Bishop's daughter and has a daughter of his own) had asked the Elders to come to a special Aaronic Priesthood meeting to tell all the young men about the blessings of a mission.

There, in the chapel, were four rows of young men, many in suits, looking like mini-missionaries ready to work. On the back bench, on the end, there was one boy in jeans and a soccer jersey. I recognized the boy because I had baptized him four years earlier in my last month of service. I was sure glad to see him because I could count my converts still active and attending Church on one hand and still have fingers to spare.

After the Elders finished their small presentation the Bishop asked me if I could give my testimony of the blessings of missionary work and the changes missionary work brings to your life.

I have thought about that topic often, and Jeffrey R. Holland's testimony always comes to mind. To paraphrase, "Every good thing that I have, I have because of my mission."

In that same vein, I must say, that of every good thing that I have, I have because of my mission or somebody else's decision to serve a mission. To name a few things:

Were it not for missionary work, my ancestors on my mother's side would never have joined the Church and headed to Utah.

Were it not for missionary work, my father and grandmother would not have known about the restored Gospel. My parents would never have met in BYU. And I would not have been born to such goodly parents.

I would not have the opportunities I have seen in my educational life, my future professional life, and my current professional opportunities that I never dreamed of ever having.

More importantly, if it were not for missionary work, I would never have met my dear sweet wife, Susan. When I think of where I would be without Susan, I simply would not have any life at all. If it weren't for members who befriended her and missionaries who taught her.

If it weren't for my own decision to serve a mission, Susan being the righteous woman she is, simply wouldn't have any interest in me. Thus I would be without any idea of what I wanted to do with my life, and I would be left a lone man.

So I do not take the invitation to participate in missionary work lightly. I can hardly stand the idea that someone is needlessly on a path to miss out on the blessings of the Gospel. I can't stand the idea that someone is going to be one husband or wife short of a marriage, or one less father or mother short of a happy family.

One other blessing from my mission is a renewed testimony for how much our Heavenly Father loves us. Being the caring and concerned wife that Susan is she sometimes reminds me that I should take better care of myself by getting to bed earlier instead of getting back to my apartment every night at 11:00, and perhaps I should take the evening off once in a while, or use one of my weekends to do some fun touristy activities. I have trouble explaining to Susan over Google Voice why I feel so compelled to use all my free time on my evenings teaching lessons; or why I choose to walk all the way to work in the morning instead of taking the bus so I can afford to take metro to meet the Elders in the evening; or why I spend my weekends knocking doors trying to track down all my old friends just so I can tell them I love them and that the Lord loves them.

I want so much for these people to be happy. And I just met them one day knocking doors. How much more must our Father desire our happiness. How much more would He be willing to go out of his way to tell us how much he loves us. What great lengths and sacrifices He makes so we can return to him.

Elder Holland said: "Do you know [the meaning of the word succor]? It is used often in the scriptures to describe Christ’s care for and attention to us. It means literally 'to run to.' What a magnificent way to describe the Savior’s urgent effort in our behalf! Even as he calls us to come to him and follow him, he is unfailingly running to help us." ("Come Unto Me". CES Fireside, 2 March 1997. http://lds.org/ensign/1998/04/come-unto-me).

I realize that some of my non-LDS friends, family and co-workers may sometimes be uncomfortable when I try to inject a bit of my testimony into the conversation. And I thank them for their patience. They don't have to accept it, but we have to proclaim it. I have to proclaim it.

Anyway, it has been a good six years. Two of them spent on the mission, two looking for a wife, and two more courting her and starting a family with her. It's good to be in Chile again. And I look forward once again to seeing my wife at home waiting for me when I return. Boy do I want to run to her right now.

165th Ask Josh - Last Day on Earth

2011-05-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

Jacci B. did not ask me, but rather asked the world via Facebook:

So, the billboards say that tomorrow is the end, what do you do with the day before?

....

Dear Jacci,

There's the theoretical answer (which I hate reading), and then there's what you actually do on a real day before the world ends.

It never occurred to me that someone would still spend the day before the end of the world in a pretty routine fashion because nobody ever really believes that the next day will be the end of the world, even if a billboard told them so.

That said, anyone who says they would spend their last day on earth doing things like "skydiving" or "Rocky Mountain-climbing" or even going 2.7 seconds on a bull named "Fu Man Chu." Because even if you were 99% certain you were dying the next day, I believe you may do a few more things you enjoy, but you would still keep yourself from burning bridges, spending all your money, or risking death.

For example,

I still show up at work, but I spend a little more time reading the Op-Eds of the WSJ and the NYT and I forward more links than usual on Facebook. Because, who cares if I'm clogging up news feeds, the world may end tomorrow.

I go out to eat, but I end up passing up a Chilean McDonald's McNifica and end up walking to the Santiago Temple and eating in their cafeteria with some strangers... and I name the plate of lentils "Food Man Chewed."

Also, instead of spending Saturday going from one house to the next, I settle to do some service for an old friend, then stay to have lunch and go watch Pirates of the Caribbean, have a little gelato to enjoy my last day, and then do a little shopping for Susan... just in case I don't die and the world keeps spinning madly on.

I still do laundry, but I throw all the clothes into a single load. I am less worried about what will happen if my dark colors with my bright colors get washed together. Because if the world ends, then I saved myself an extra washing machine cycle before it happened. And if it doesn't end, I'll still have clean socks for Church the next day, even if my yellow and pink shirts looks a little more blue from now on.

I still go to the ward activity. And I still make plenty of jokes, just fewer at others' expense. In case I have to see them the next day.

I read a book I like, but I don't finish it. Just in case there may yet remain another day to read it.

Thus, living like you're dying becomes a lot more sustainable life model when there is none of the drama of remembering to check everything off your bucket list and a little more focusing on the important stuff without having to leave the field unplowed.

Also, I would put off writing this post because even if I did get it published in time for the end of the world, nobody would have the time or a reason to read it.

I know, none of this is funny. So... spend part of your last day on earth watching this:

Love,

Josh

164th Ask Josh - A Crap Colored Blog

2011-05-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

[Some Jerk] asked (translated from Spanish):

Dear Josh,

Why do you insist on expressing yourself on a crap-colored blog?

.....

Dear Jerk,

A tricky two parter here.

1.) Why do you insist on expressing yourself ... ?

I take it this isn't your actual question. Because I haven't been writing much lately, so I haven't been insisting on expressing myself on any blog. If anything, I'm insisting on expressing myself through Tweets, which arguably have no color.

2.) ... on a crap-colored blog?

Well, in a few years when I look at this, the blog will already have changed design and will no longer be, as you say, "crap-colored." So the joke's on you, history will not remember you. Though, in another way, you may change history because who can say for certain whether your question caused me to change the blog color and layout?

But for now, the "crap color" stays so my close friends and blood relatives and those who still follow this because they forgot to unsubscribe can understand the point your question is trying to make. And then I'll probably change it to some cool steel blue cobalt thing. Though I don't know if I'll ever get to a blog that doesn't look cluttered. That is my major blog layout issue. Maybe someone can help me make my blog look more like the packaging for an Apple product.

Love from Santiago,

Josh

Two Part special - 162nd and 163rd Ask Josh - U Gotta Right and What Max Hall Hates pt. 1

2011-02-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

What are your thoughts on student's sporting U of U attire on BYU's campus?

Chimo Hater

....

Dear Mr. Hater, or may I call you Chimo?,

I only have a second to write on this because I have a brief due in a few days that seeks my utter destruction. So, to help me accomplish the brief, I'll be brief.

Wearing University of Utah attire is a silly thing to do anywhere in the world. Nevertheless, it is your right to do so where permitted. But since your question has limited me to my thoughts on said attire while on BYU's campus, I'll elaborate within those parameters.

The BYU Honor Code requires that students respect others and observe the dress and grooming standards. You could make the argument that wearing the apparel brandishing the logo of the University of Utah violates the Honor Code by not respecting others.

The dress and grooming standards require "a clean and well-cared-for appearance." A person who is wearing U of U attire must be in violation of having a well-cared for appearance because if he is wearing such apparel he has obviously let himself go.

Exhibit A:

Further, the Honor Code points out that clothing is inappropriate when it is "sleeveless, revealing, or form fitting." Thus, a Ute fan is in violation of the Honor Code and thus should be barred from walking around on campus if his outfit is sleeveless, revealing, or form-fitting. You will see in Exhibit B that these lads are clearly in violation of all three.

Exhibit B:

May I point out that the sleeves are clearly non-existent, the outfits fit the forms perfectly, and they are revealing inasmuch as you can see both of these ladies' navels. I may further point out that both of them are in dire need of a shave.

Other than that, there really isn't much thinking to be done about it. If you aren't violating the Honor Code on BYU's campus, you're allowed to wear it. However, if someone finds a way to say what they think about you in a way that is not in violation of the rule to "respect others," then you're on notice that you have it coming.

Also, Max Hall hates you.

And as long as we're on the subject. Let's go over the list of all the things that Max Hall hates. Because, he hates "everything." That includes the following:

Max hates oranges.

Max hates American Idol.

Max hates Miley Cyrus.

Max hates EFY.

Max hates trail mix.

Max hates Shakespeare.

Max hates rain.

Max hates his own legs.

Max hates to read.

Max hates James Bond movies.

Max hates it every time you go away.

Max hates people who shout for joy.

Max hates curious things.

Max hates Curious George.

Max hates Elmo.

Max hates anyone named Sheila.

Max hates love.

Max hates Jimmer.

Max hates part-time lovers.

Max hates instrumental music.

Max hates the city.

Max hates baldness.

Max hates birds.

Max hates friendship.

Max hates to dance.

Max hates it when tax is included in the price of the item.

Max hates Mozart.

Max hates Germany.

Max hates feudalism.

Max hates Tetris.

Max hates children.

Max hates the future.

Max hates picture frames.

Max hates secrets.

Max hates loneliness.

Max hates sad songs.

Max hates happy songs.

Max hates to hold back tears.

Max hates invisible people.

Max hates construction workers.

Max hates tenors.

Max hates parents.

Max hates Australia.

Max hates all the planets.

Max hates stories about Greek mythology.

Max hates that Goose dies in Top Gun.

Max hates money.

Max hates art.

Max hates the entire spectrum of light and color.

Max hates surprises.

Max hates Boston.

Max hates human flesh.

Max hates slander.

Max hates rebounds.

Max hates the status quo.

Max hates Egyptian revolution.

Max hates the way Egyptians walk.

Max hates falsetto voices.

Max hates R&B.

Max hates women who ask men out on dates.

Max hates prayer.

Max hates pedestrians.

Max hates triangles.

Max hates architects.

Max hates the paradox of unstoppable forces hitting immovible objects.

Max hates U2.

Max hates Bono, which goes without saying.

Max hates you from head to toe.

Max hates dancing, really.

Max hates Glee.

Max hates earthquakes.

Max hates crowds.

Max hates all phobias.

Max hates anyone with a phobia.

Max hates Spanish.

Max hates Spain.

Max hates happiness.

Max hates happy endings.

Max hates ice in his drinks.

Max hates vandalism.

Max hates cuddling.

Max hates sandwiches.

Max hates stethoscopes that have two tubes leading to the sound sensor.

Max hates barbed wire.

Max hates earbuds.

Max hates emotion.

Max hates Mr. Peanut.

Max hates daydreaming.

Max hates the Beatles.

Max hates feelings.

Max hates the fact that everyone has needs.

Max hates to think about what could have been.

Max hates ships that sail away.

Max hates Life of Pi.

Max hates gospel music.

Max hates getting Rick Rolled.

Max hates the man in the mirror.

Max hates Billy Elliot.

Max hates maps.

Max hates phonebooks.

Max hates wishing wells.

Max hates roommates.

Max hates the cost of gasoline.

Max hates free gasoline.

Max hates greenhouse gases.

Max hates his moods.

Max hates a dirty room.

Max hates segregation.

Max hates cures to diseases.

Max hates morning sunrises.

Max hates white pants.

Max hates a capella.

Max hates a clean room.

Max hates ceilings.

Max hates carpet.

Max hates the word 'groovy.'

Max hates islands.

Max hates Western films.

Max hates having to shake beverages well before drinking them.

Max hates having to look away from the sun when he would prefer to continue staring.

Max hates cannibalism.

Max hates skydiving.

Max hates taking any risks.

Max hates social security.

Max hates savants.

Max hates drafty rooms.

Max hates satisfactory reviews.

Max hates having to put a tip on top of a gratuity.

Max hates the touch of linoleum on his feet.

Max hates Mother Goose rhymes.

Max hates down pillows.

Max hates laser pointers.

Max hates bookmarks.

Max hates Google maps.

Max hates the equinoxes.

Max hates Lost & Founds.

Max hates smiles.

Max hates Topeka, Kansas.

Max hates double-talk.

Max hates paradise.

Max hates living without you.

Max hates cartoons interacting with humans on live television, and vice versa.

Max hates billboards.

Max hates boomerangs.

Max hates rating systems that attempt to be both heterogeneous and comprehensive.

Max hates pure democracy.

Max hates fashion.

Max hates women who cut their hair short.

Max hates stairs.

Max hates escalators.

Max hates elevators.

Max hates wishes.

Max hates going outside.

Max hates parole for those who are incarcerated.

Max hates the Florida panhandle.

Max hates drive-thru restaurants.

Max hates timepieces.

Max hates it everytime he thinks about the time he was embarrassed at a Church dance when he tripped.

Max hates second chances.

Max hates board games.

Max hates card games.

Max hates little baby kittens.

Max hates that he loves you, you fool.

Max hates the way you kiss him when you're playing the kissing game.

Max hates it when you make him cry.

Max hates it when he gets booted.

Max hates it when he has to call the University Parking services to have your car towed.

Max hates Robin Hood.

Max hates Little Bow Wow.

Max hates dusk.

Max hates vibrations he senses whenever he hears sounds with a lot of bass.

Max hates standing ovations at any performance.

Max hates paper airplanes.

Max hates his local congressman.

Max hates his shirt.

Max hates to be with you.

Max hates octaves.

Max hates portable dishwashers.

Max hates roads that end.

Max hates William Owen Pughe.

Max hates basketball.

Max hates famous spies.

Max hates every drawing of a Pinisi he has ever seen.

Max hates the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency.

Max hates bumpy car rides.

Max hates the first dance at weddings.

Max hates it when people refer to any song as "their song."

Max hates metaphors.

Max hates puzzles.

Max hates hot breads, mutton dishes, and kebabs.

Max hates that love will keep us together.

Max hates it when he is told to hustle.

Max hates jive talking.

Max hates getting down tonight.

Max hates Rhinestone Cowboys.

Max hates the way things are in China.

Max hates the phrase, "White man's world."

Max hates repeating himself.

Max hates Saturday nights.

Max hates CB Radio lingo.

Max hates any songs that make the whole world sing.

Max hates rollercoasters.

Max hates martial arts movies.

Anyway, Susan is chatting with me now. So I don't have time to talk about anything else Max hates. But

161st Ask Josh - By the Grace of Jimmer

2011-02-15T10:19:00.000-08:00

Nobody asked, "Josh, do you have anything to say on Jimmer? Any jokes of your own?"

....

And since nobody asked, I am brought to bring it up myself.

First of all, for readers that don't follow BYU basketball, our star player Jimmer Fredette is having a great season. This is what he looks like:

It's no surprise to anyone on campus when he puts up over 40 points in a given night. There are a lot of Jimmer fans out there. It has become a nationwide craze known as Jimmermania. One student who disapproved of what she saw as an excess of decalogue-breaching proportions submitted this letter to the Daily Universe:

I can’t walk across campus without hearing Jimmer Fredette’s name a dozen times. His name comes up everywhere: in class, at work, during lunch … really, people? Cut it out with the Jimmer worship. Last time I checked, idol worship was very much frowned upon in the scriptures. Don’t you have a life to live? Then quit wasting it in front of the TV or in lines at the Marriott Center. At the very least, stop trying to convert those of us who don’t follow BYU sports and don’t care that baseball and badminton are two different things. Pushing basketball on us isn’t going to make us like it any better. I’m not blaming Jimmer for all this; was it Nephi’s fault in the Book of Mormon when his brothers worshiped him? As far as I’m concerned, Jimmer is perfectly free to live his dreams. If he reaches his goals and lives his dreams, more power to him. I would like the same courtesy from his fans: let me live my own dreams in peace, even if they don’t include ever sitting in the Marriott Center screaming my brains out. (Emphases added)

Michelle Peralta - Apple Valley, Calif.

Immediately following Ms. Peralta's letter, her Facebook page was "Jimmered" with disagreements both serious and mocking of her commandment to cut out the worship of Jimmer. She has since disappeared from Facebook. And the reaction was big enough to get posted on ESPN.

The ESPN reporter's take on the reaction:

None of the comments (at least none that I read, and I spent a solid 40 minutes reading through them) are overtly angry, profane, unintelligent or mean. Instead, they're hilarious. They combine Chuck Norris jokes with obscure bits of Jimmer-appropriated scripture. I suppose this is what happens when you mix the intelligent sarcasm of your average college student with the religious knowledge you'd expect from kids at a devotional school like Brigham Young.

While I have to smirk at the general outpouring of Jimmer worship jokes, on the record I have to officially denounce those which place Jimmer's name within actual scriptural references. Thus, my list of quotable Jimmer jokes is confined to those which are based on apocryphal, mythologized, or doctrinally false religious references.

My Top 3:

3. "One day when you are in the spirit world, you will be enthralled by those you are associated with.... And as you are standing there in amazement, someone will turn to you and ask you which ..time did you live in? And when you say 'Jimmer' a hush will fall over every hall and corridor in Heaven, and all in attendance will bow at your presence."

2. "Jimmer never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it."

1. "When you see only one set of footprints, it was then that Jimmer carried you."

Honorable Mention: "Double Jimmer all the way across the sky."

As far as original Jimmer jokes, I haven't thought of many. Here's what I have off the top of my head:

"My marriage consists of me, my wife, and Jimmer. And the closer we are to Jimmer, the closer we are to each other."

"I saw Jimmer's face in a tortilla."

"All your base are belong to Jimmer."

"You know, Jimmer hates democrats."

"If Jimmer had a name, what would it be and would you call it to his face?"

"Use German for medicine, English for business, French for romance, and Spanish for talking to Jimmer."

"Clapton is Jimmer."

Also, I enjoy taking Jimmer's name in vain since there is no irreverence in my mind here, Jimmer is my witness.

Oh dear Jimmer!
Jimmer, no!
Jimmer forbid!
Mother of Jimmer!
Act of Jimmer.
Jimmer!
Oh my Jimmer!
Jimmer help us!
Jimmerspeed.
[sneeze!] Jimmer bless you.
I award you no points, and may Jimmer have mercy on your soul.
Jimmer darn it!
Jimmer's gonna cut you down.
Jimmer awful.
Jimmer forsaken.
For Jimmer's sake!
Jimmer grant.
Jimmer beer me strength.
Jimmer willing.
Please Jimmer.
Jimmerfather.
Jimmermother.
Fairy Jimmermother.
Playing Jimmer.
City of Jimmer.
"The Jimmers Must Be Crazy!"
"Waiting for Jimmerot"
Thank Jimmer it's Friday
"Agnes of Jimmer"
"Jimmer told me to."
"Their Eyes Were Watching Jimmer"
"72 Names of Jimmer"
"Jimmer is Brazilian"
"Jimmers and Generals"
Separation of Jimmer and State.
Jimmer is great.
Jimmer send me a man.
So help me Jimmer.
Jimmer is my witness.
"If Jimmer is willing and da creek don't rise."
Jimmer-given rights.
Wrath of Jimmer
The Jimmer Particle
"Veggie Tales: Where's Jimmer When...?"
I swear to Jimmer.
Jimmer's gift to women.
Jimmer's Army
Jimmer Save the King
Vaya con Jimmer (pronounced HE-mare)

And if anybody says something I disagree with, I tack on the end of my rebuttal, "You know, Jimmer detests people who believe the Constitution is a living breathing document."

I also thought it might be funny for students to start a Church club called the "Jimmer's Witnesses." But I think it would be difficult to distinguish their brand when they go out knocking doors.

Jimmer be with you 'til we meet again,

Josh

Talent Show Dance

2011-02-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

I realize this dance is getting old. I have done it in countless talent shows with roommates, siblings, neighbors, colleagues, and even strangers. I keep doing it because it takes 10 minutes to teach it to someone else, and I always have the mix handy on my ipod. So here.

160th Ask Josh - Linked In

2010-10-15T09:27:00.001-07:00

The next big thing :) said...

Dear J. Clark,

Do you the interesting connection between Mr. Joshua Reuben Clark and myself? Hint: we are not related.

miss seeing your face in the newsroom.

love always,

....

Dear N. Big Thing,

Nope.

Some reasonable inferences may include:

You both have a school named after you.

You both like to talk about debt.

You both are statistically likely to have drunken water that was once a dinosaur.

There is a pretty good chance that one of you follows Lady Gaga on Twitter.

Neither of you go by the name Josh.

You both lived in New York.

I could delve into some really absurd ones, but rather than run the risk of making a mockery of a former member of the First Presidency, we'll just leave it at that.

Cheers.

J. Clay

159th Ask Josh - What's In A Name

2010-10-15T09:05:00.001-07:00

Dog said...

What's with the J. Clay Guest? You are not a General Authority yet and in the 22 years I've known you no one has ever called you Clay. Not to mention that it doesn't flow that well because "Jay" and Clay rhyme. Other than that I love you craploads.

....

Oh Dear Dog,

J. Clay Guest is my professional name. I decided it would be more sophisticated if I a had one-letter name at the beginning of my name. Also, I was inspired by my law school's namesake. Joshua Reuben Clark, known in the annals of history as J. Reuben Clark. Neat, huh?

Cheers.

Josh

158th Ask Josh - Separation Anxiety

2010-10-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: This is not legal advice.

Mr. Guest, if a couple goes on a vacation to make plans to get married, before they go the woman tells him to get a vasectomy (and he does it!), and he gives her a ring while on the vacation to make it official, who pays what to whom if she cancels the engagement?

Your Biggest Fattest Fan

...

Dear BFF,

There are so many angles by which we could attack this problem. Some options:

The King Solomon/Newman way:

I always thought this was a fable that somebody made up. Once I saw that it was actually in the Bible I felt a little flabbergasted and ignorant [Heckler: "It took you this long to figure out you're ignorant?"]. But the story is real. In 1 Kings 3, starting in verse 16 we see the story of the two women who are debating as to who should get to keep the baby. King Solomon asked for a sword and proposed to split the baby in two and give half to each party. The mother who protested and would rather the other mother kept it would be considered the righful owner. In the words of the wise Newman from Seinfeld: "Only the bike's true owner would rather give it away than see it come to harm." Seinfeld, Episode 123 - The Seven. See also on YouTube.

Problems: The man takes it all. This does not sit well with the feminists in my readership. They may well say, "What makes you think the woman is going to be pro-splitting?" I promise you, the true owner of the vasectomy will be the first to say no to splitting it down the middle.

The Breached Contract way:

If we were to treat this like a binding contract which the woman later breached, the solution would be for the court to order specific performance or damages. The problem with ordering specific performance is that the court would say the woman would have to go through with the marriage. Since that isn't legal, it's going to come down to damages. The man would receive what would be considered reliance damages, costs incurred in reliance and in anticipation of the promise (namely, the marriage) actually going through. Thus, the woman would have to pay for:

1. Her share of the vacation

2. The price of the vasectomy

3. The price of the reverse vasectomy

4a. If she doesn't return the ring, the price of the ring.

4b. If she does return the ring, the cost of depreciation of the ring, specifically the difference between the original price and the resale price the man receives when he joins the poor souls selling their rings on the Wilk board.

Problem: What if the guy is the one who broke it off? Well, he would have some economic responsibility to costs incurred in anticipation of the wedding. But he still gets the ring back. Sorry ladies, this is not a good time to let your emotions decide to melt the ring down or throw it off a mountain.

Take-It-To-Court Way:

As it happens, there is some precedent in the state of Utah. Check out the case of Hess v. Johnston (2004). In the case, a Mr. [Name Removed] and a Ms. [Name Removed], "started dating in mid-April 2004 and within three months, they decided to marry. The Female found an engagement ring she liked, and The Male commissioned a jeweler to craft one like it. The couple planned to marry sometime in November 2004, but mutually decided that they would take their time in planning the wedding to ensure their finances were in order." Hess, 163 P.3d 747, 749. She also told him during the engagement that she wanted to go on some trips and that she wanted him to get a vasectomy. The court record simply states that "[The Male] complied with these requests." Id. [Female] and [Male] took a weeklong trip to Alaska, later another to France for three weeks to meet some friends of hers. He paid for all of it. Also, [Female] got him to pay $2400 towards buying a car for her son.

Problem for the man: "You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!" Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, screenplay by Roald Dahl.

Side note: I looked them both up on Facebook. I put up the first picture that came up under each name.

[I have now taken them down, as I see no need to publicize the man's plight any further, though I still left the case name to prove the accuracy of my story].

As of this writing, the only person on Facebook who shares the name of the Female is "in a relationship" with Jordan. I still don't approve of the vasectomy, but I get it.

Cage Match

Just let them fight to the death and winner take all. To take the idea from Michael Scott, cage matches always work, otherwise they would still be in the cage. The Office - Episode 21: "Conflict Resolution", first aired May 4, 2006.

Problem: If the woman still has the ring, she will have an unfair advantage as she will have the weaponry already on hand, pun intended, to unleash some major diamond-cutting on a man who has already been debilitated by his recent vasectomy.

Resort to Advice Columnists

Some of my colleagues have made their opinions clear, at least as concerns the ring. Unfortunately none of them have any vasectomy advice. Luckily, I don't have to check them all because there is an article in the Washingtonian by Rachel Saifer that references all three of them. I summarized them as follows,

Ann Landers: Whoever ended it, loses it.

Dear Abby: Whoever gave it, gets it.

Miss Manners: The symbol, once obsolete, returns to its origins. Then she mentioned the idea of melting it down or throwing it off a mountain. Remember what I said about the emotions.

Ask a Search Engine

That's what I did.

Love,

Josh

157th Ask Josh - Sonic Spiders

2010-05-25T13:54:00.001-07:00

Susan texted:

Help! I'm at Sonic and there's a big black spider in my drink holder and I don't know what to do.

.........

Dear Susan,

Get a watermelon cream slush. They're delicious.

Love,

Josh

156th Ask Josh - Marriage Blog

2010-05-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

Dear JOsh, Why haven't you told us about your new marriage blog?

..........

Dear ANOnymous,

I have not told anybody about my new marriage blog because I don't have anything to write on the new marriage blog. However, I will tell you that the URL is WeAreGuest.blogspot.com

We titled it "Rubbing It In." It seemed appropriate to call it that because my inner-cynic tells me that married people only make blogs to make their single friends feel bad about the fact that they're still single.

Love,

Josh

155th Ask Josh - In Defense of Comms Majors

2010-04-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Josh,

Congratulations on graeduting. I have a question if you had to do it over again would you still gone with your same major that you have now?

.......

Dear ____,

Hello. I assume you are referring to my getting a Bachelors of Arts in Communications, emphasizing in Broadcast Journalism. I appreciate your question, it's one I would like to have an answer to myself.

Prior to entering college I was just naive enough to believe (or maybe I really was correct. Time will tell.) that it didn't matter what major you received in college so long as you went to the right university. Since I was told that Brigham Young University was the best university in the world, I had little reason to doubt that anything I decided to study would land me any kind of dream job in any field. Since I had already spent three years as a journalist in my childhood hometown, it seemed only natural for me to continue studying it.

I found out later that communications majors are rather low on the pecking order as far as academic respect goes. According to CollegeCrunch, a degree in communications ranks #6 in the list of 10 Most Expensive But Useless Degrees in America, coming in just behind Latin and just ahead of Art History.

Another article placed communications at #6 as one of The 10 Most Worthless College Majors. This time it was sandwiched between Music Therapy and Dance.

As if the current reputation wasn't bad enough, the demand for journalists continues to decline. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, my profession is expected to "decline moderately" through the year 2018. Of the 61,600 reporters working in 2008, we can expect 4,700 of them to be unemployed in the next 8 years.

I found it particularly disconcerting when CollegeHumor published a book with a passed-out drunk on the cover. On his body the idea of majoring in communications was listed in league with selling kidneys for beer money and sleeping with one's professors.

Exhibit A:

The notion that communications was a remedial line of study was reinforced when I asked some of my classmates about their motives for studying journalism. Answers included, "I couldn't get into the film major", "I couldn't get into the business program", "I couldn't get into the MDT [Music, Dance, Theater] major", and (my personal favorite), "I can't do math."

So basically I'm in the J.V. version of other people's aspirations. They may well title my major: "Broadcast Journalism: For those who can't write, film, or act but still want to." Writing for those who can't write. Film for those who can't film. Acting for those who can't act.

Nice.

There were also plenty of jokes floating around like, "I majored in journalism, now I have a paper route" and "I majored in communications and now I'm qualified to return home to live with my parents."

My reactions from my parents regarding my interest in studying journalism were always supportive. Nevertheless, I somehow always detected a hint of reticence in their encouragement that I couldn't quite put my finger on until I was just a semester or two away from graduating. It finally occurred to me that dear old dad was not just musing every time he said how glad he was that he majored in Finance. And mother may have been hinting more than I suspected when she mentioned the word Engineer oftentimes after I finished playing with my Legos or my little electronics kits that dad bought for me to tinker with. And I really cannot count the number of times dad told me to look at the Occupational Outlook Handbook. And now that I finally have, I see that I heeded his counsel too little too late.

Despite all this evidence that calls the wisdom of communication into question, I find encouragement at the success of some of my academic colleagues. They include these celebrities:

George Clooney - majored in broadcasting at Northern Kentucky University and the University of Cincinnati
Brad Pitt - studied journalism from the University of Missouri.
Oprah Winfrey - focused on communications while at Tennessee State
David Letterman - studied broadcasting at Ball State, and he was a weatherman, too.
Matt Lauer - the guy whose job I wanted in the first place anyway.

And I love reading the works of other journalists:

Dave Barry - every little thing he does is magic. His column while working at the Miami Herald is hilarious. Although one of his books on tape, which shall go unnamed, was a bit of a major disappointment.
Malcolm Gladwell - columnist for the New Yorker. Author of Blink, What the Dog Saw, Outliers, and The Tipping Point
Stephen J Dubner - co-author of Freakonomics and SuperFreakonomics

But more encouraging than those, I take inspiration from other successful comms majors/journalists in the Church:

Gordon B. Hinckley - President of the Church - studied English in hopes of pursuing a career in journalism. Aspired to study journalism at Columbia for graduate school. Carried newspapers for the Deseret News.
Thomas S. Monson - President of the Church - general manager of the Deseret News Press, though not a journalism major, I still like how we're in related fields.
David A. Bednar - Quorum of the Twelve Apostles - studied communications as his undergraduate degree.
Vernon Heperi - Dean of Students at BYU. Majored in communications.

And you know who else are journalists? Superman and Spiderman. On the other hand, maybe they choose to be journalists because they know that nobody will ever suspect them of being very good at anything, let alone saving the world. But I doubt it.

I have heard plenty of examples of people who studied journalism and are now jobless, living with their parents, working on their music, or otherwise failing in some aspect of their life, usually careers and family. I have decided that these people are not idiots for studying journalism, merely failures who happened to study journalism. If I fail, it will not be because I studied communications, it will be because I simply was an idiot.

So, would I change my major if I had to do it over again? No way. I can't think of another major that would have allowed me the time and freedom to work 20 hours a week, take 20 credit hours, do an internship, volunteer on and off campus, preside over clubs, serve in the Church, go to dances, games, and concerts, and still pull off mostly A's without hardly ever having to study on my weekends. Plus, I got to to tell jokes on television. I got to play with cameras and shoot movies and tell stories. I learned to work with computers. I interviewed local celebrities. I love my major!

Love,

Josh

154th Ask Josh - Music video collection

2010-04-12T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dear JOsh,

Everybody is making blogposts with thier favorite musiv cideos. Will you make on?

......

Oh dear you,

We have got to work on your... oh never mind. Here you go, my eclectic cavalcade of music videos:

First, the modern day virtuosos of DragonForce. Even if you don't enjoy their style of music, you have to appreciate the speed at which they manage to rock out:

I don't know if this will work, embedding was disabled. So I tried to put in the embed html code manually. If it doesn't come up, you can find the song "Morning Ride" by Lee Greenwood. I think it's a nice song. Susan thinks it's about making morning whoopie.

After reading that last comment, Susan just said, "It IS!"

Next, Edith Piaf. I don't know what she's singing about. Once, while on a date, a girl who spoke French was offended as she listened to the words. She refused to translate:

I like hearing Elvis singing in two languages. Long live the king.

And now, for a big-hair rock ballad.

Love,

Josh

P.S. BONUS I think Journey's song "Faithfully" takes on genuine meaning when you're watching the video. Count the number of slow-moving sweaty-heads.

BONUS: Liam Lynch everybody.

Learn this dance and try to not be happy

2010-04-05T10:36:00.001-07:00

Caption "I Think I'll Wait for the Movies" - New York Times, Friday, March 26, 2010

2010-03-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

153rd Ask Josh - Helaman or Heritage?

2010-02-26T20:42:00.001-08:00

Rachel said…

WHERE is the best place to live on campus at BYU!!!?!??!?!! I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF HELP!

Tiffany said....

dear josh, can i ask you one of your ask josh questions?

well first i was going to ask you to marry me but then i saw you were already engaged. dang!

anyways i was wondering what dorm you would recommend staying in. I'm not gonna have a car so i ruled out wyview because its journeys away. i cant decide between heritage and helaman. your expertise is much appreciated.

love, tiffany

………….

Dear Tiffany and Rachel,

First of all, congratulations on getting into BYU. Back when we were just the Maeser Building and the Brimhall, BYU President Franklin S. Harris, "Behold the greatest university campus in all the world--in embryo" (Daily Herald, 16 October 1923).

Elder A. Theodore Tuttle said, "BYU is the greatest university in the world. There are unlimited opportunities here" [BYU Devotional, 7 September 1980].

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "I am just biased enough to believe it is the best university in all the world for you to attend" [BYU Devotionals, 15 September 1987].

And if you won't believe the members of the Seventy or even an Apostle, take it from the prophet, Spencer W. Kimball:

"It is a glorious privilege to be attending this, the greatest university in all the world. …take a good look and analyze carefully, and when you take the important points and sum them up, you come out with this final thought: that Brigham Young University is the greatest university in the world" [BYU Devotionals, 12 September 1978].

I know a whole bunch of Aggies and Utes who really hate that last one.

Before you rule out Wyview, you may consider that plenty of the students there take the bus, (as do many students living even further from campus or ones that just want to save gas and don't want to bother with trying to find a parking spot on campus).

But, since your question specifically asks me to help referee your internal debate between Helaman and Heritage…

Here is the short of it…

Helaman Halls – newer, Cannon Center food, tall showers, near the RB (racquetball, indoor track, tennis, outdoor track, etc.), visitors allowed in your dorm a total of 6 hours a week, sometimes you get a bathroom between you and 3 other girls, sometimes you share a bathroom with an entire floor

Heritage – more people per unit, your own kitchen, have your own bathroom for your unit, visitors can come over every day and stay until midnight (or 1:30 on Fridays).

I really liked living in Helaman because I loved Cannon Center food. Some didn't like it so much, but since I lived there they have completely rebuilt it and they now have an entirely new food setup which I think is superior to anything you'll find at any college. I made the mistake of trying to do most of my studying in my dorm (if I had known better I would have just stayed in the library on campus). I played a lot. My grades suffered down there. I'm glad I didn't have to worry about where my next meal would come from.

Heritage Halls has more of the feel of an off-campus singles ward. I have to be careful here, but I would say you may have to grow up faster in Heritage. I say that just because you have to do your own grocery shopping and more housework than do your Helaman counterparts on top of your studies, plus you have more R.M.'s in your midst who really want to get married which makes for a different social environment.

Personally, I loved Helaman Halls. Alphabetically it comes first. I would definitely recommend it to anyone going to BYU. That's where I think my little brother will be going, too ;).

Loves,

Josh Guest

152nd Ask Josh - Fair Turnaround Play

2010-02-16T13:28:00.001-08:00

Anonymous said…

How do you get a girl to give you a second chance when you treated her poorly and tried to get her to not like you before? And how do I get her number again so I can contact her?

…..

Dear friend,

First, I sure hope your treating her poorly did not include any kind of verbal, emotional or physical abuse. In which case I would be loath to help you lest you repeat any such atrocities. But, if you mean by treating poorly that you were the indifferent to her attempts at getting to know you better, that I can understand.

The first literary example that comes to mind is that of Benedick, a young lord of Padua, in William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing. Benedick, a young lord of Padua, swears, "I will live a bachelor … [ere I die, I will look pale] With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord; not with love… [and] If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot me" [I, i, 257-68].

Regarding Beatrice, Benedick gave most unkind words to describe the woman he would later grow fond of. He said of her, "indeed, all disquiet, horror and perturbation follow her" [II, i, 270-1]. The Bard's way of saying she is a needy Facebook stalker perhaps? Or just not quite what you're looking for right now?

Then, while speaking to himself, Benedick notes that if he ever did look to marry any woman, she would have to possess all the traits of being fair, wise, virtuous, rich, noble, mild, an excellent musician and so forth. Sounds like a list you may have made for yourself when you pictured your future love. Benedick sees none of these things in Beatrice. Shortly after he overhears Don Pedro and Claudio speaking in secret how Beatrice possesses all such qualities. Benedick has his awakening and decides to pursue her.

Well, what does he do? He promises to do anything Beatrice tells him to do. Too bad her one task is for him to kill a guy. Notwithstanding, he undertakes it and challenges the man she wishes dead.

So, if you are to win the heart of this girl you once maltreated you are going to have to humble yourself and admit your wrong and provide full disclosure as to the what and why behind your actions of treating her poorly. You will indeed have to make amends and show by your actions the depth and sincerity of your regret. It will not be enough to just tell her you have changed your mind about her. You must swallow that pride of yours and ask her forgiveness if you are to ever begin a dating relationship with any possibility of success. Flowers, chocolates, and balloons will not be nearly so meaningful as your honesty, sincerity and gentlemanliness. Tears may be in order depending on how much of a turnaround you have actually experienced.

You have to treat her like a princess this time around. You have to open the doors, offer your arm, respect her opinion and time. You must put her happiness before yours if you want to get any kind of happiness in this relationship you have heretofore failed to nurture properly or maturely. It can be done. You must do all you can and then respect her choice.

As regards getting her number, try asking her for it. If she is not available, try mutual friends, then public directories, and then social networking sites. If those do not work ask me and I shall undertake it.

Best wishes,

Josh

151st Ask Josh - Predictable Partner?

2010-02-14T00:38:00.000-08:00

M asks...

If a boy wants to do something every night and text you while you aren’t doing stuff. Does that mean that he’s interested? We are friends and he just got off his mission. The thing is I’m not being impatient, I just don’t want to hold out for him if there is not even a chance.

.....

The more I witness interactions betwixt twain people, the more I learn that no one thing means anything anymore. People are using their agency for all sorts of crazy things these days. Consequently we see a smattering of everything along the relationship spectrum. Actions that may have heretofore been considered a telltale sign can easily be explained away by any manner of thinking.

There may have been a time, albeit a purer one, when a boy would pin a girl and that meant one thing and one thing only. Now if a guy pins a girl, it may be interpreted any number of ways:

He likes to poke things.

He's a wrestler who is taking on female foes for practice.

He's an Andy Kaufman impersonator

He's really into the first chapter of Wealth of Nations but doesn't know how to channel his enthusiasm for division of labour.

He's a micro-sadist

He is smitten with the girl he is pinning

He has a crush on the pinnee's roommate

He's the careful type and wants to practice putting a boutonniere on someone else first.

Now then, take your boy for another example. He wants to do something every night. What does it mean? We'll cover some of the major checkpoints along the spectrum of meaning.

It could mean he...

Wants to be your eternal companion and have seed as numerous as the sands of the sea.

Wants to marry you at the stake center

Wants to get hitched at the courthouse

Wants to date exclusively

Wants to be in an open relationship

Wants to be it's complicated

Wants to be your friend

Wants to date your friend

Thinks he is Edward Cullen

Is Edward Cullen

Is a less famous vampire who just needs meaningful evening activities and enjoys texting

Wants you to be in his band

Wants a ride to class

Wants to borrow notes from class

Wants to borrow money

Wants to case your apartment so he can rob it later

Already robbed your apartment and wants to charm his way off the suspect list

Is this guy:

[Photo removed by request of third party]

Assume nothing.

Love,

Josh

1st S v. J - Facebook Publicity

2009-12-22T23:30:00.000-08:00

Andy Guest asked via Facebook...

What kind of world is it when your own brother has to find out on facebook that your engaged?

....

Dear Andy,

It's a world where we can't get to a computer fast enough to blog about it.

We're engaged.

Love,

Susan & Josh

150th Ask Josh - Qeustionable.

2009-12-02T22:49:00.001-08:00

Miss K said...

why don't you answer my qeustions?

...........

Dear Miss K,

I guess I have to answer you qeustion with another qeustion. Or perhaps a series of qeustions. Here are some qeustions you may have read ripoffs of in emails in years past back when Al Gore was just barely taking his design for the Internet to the U.S. Patent Office. Without further ado, I give you, qeustions with no anwsers.

Why do you park in a driveway and fall off a parkway?
Why is it called an apartment when you just fell off a parkway?
If you get scared half to chicken twice, or the egg death?
When cheese gets its picture taken, then who is guarding the mousetrap?
Why is there no such thing as a triangular meal for those of us who are trying to cut back?
Can you cry under spilled milk or over water?
Do vampires ever worry about getting hives?
What is the sound of one hand napping? What, you don't think your hand can't fall asleep.
Pro and Con are antonyms, isn't congress a synonym of amateurgress.
If electricity comes from electrons, then do morals come from eels?
If you got into a cab and he started driving backwards, then why do they call it ovaltine?

I've lost it. That's it. I don't answer your questions because I'm out of funny things to say.

Oh dear. What a waste of a 150th post after all this time in cyber-silence.

149th Ask Josh - Josh's bio

2009-10-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

Michelle asked...

Dear Josh,

I need your biography. When can you get that to me?

....

Josh said...

My biography:

Josh Guest was born without any knees. He first learned to walk around with braces on his legs. As a child he made a blood covenant with a band of thieves that in exchange for all his wampum, he would become tall and the prettiest girl in the ball.

He had his first concussion while attempting a triple salchow during a pinewood derby.

He doesn't like hiking Squaw Peak because of the one time where one of his friends fell off the side of the mountain and died.

The eldest of 9 siblings, Josh became the head of his household at the age of 7 when his parents set the world record for the first couple to fly a hot air balloon into the Bermuda Triangle.

Josh Guest is best known for his role as the title character in the short-lived television sitcom, "Frasier." He continues his love of acting as Cosmo the Cougar on campus for men's softball and golf matches.

Josh has a 4.2 GPA. He is a registered member of the Whig party. And he played for both teams in the Civil war where he was discovered for his first role as Cosmo the Cougar.

He favorite color is blue. He likes hamburger and fry and do the chacha.

He is friends with Senator Orrin Hatch and Susan, who is blind.

He surgically had his earlobes detached from the side of his head. He is currently translating the Book of Mormon into Klingon, Elvish, and Klingon Braille for Susan.

Josh suspected all along that the whole Bigfoot thing was a hoax.

Some of Josh's favorite words include pita, shoe, woozle wozzle, and Tenochtitlan.

He has broken his right collar bone, his right middle finger, his right hand, his right eye, and his right foot. He has had stitches in his head, eyeball, and hand.

Sometimes Josh is Kanye West.

Josh is the inventor of Apple's iFax, the video game Sim Video Game, electricity, the golf putter, and the hands-free alarm clock.

In his free time, Josh goes to work and college.

148th Ask Josh - Asking Guys Out for High School dances

2009-09-21T20:57:00.001-07:00

Jessy wrote on my Facebook wall...

sorry to bother you with my juvenille high school business, but do you have any creative ways to ask a lovely man to a girls choice dance????

...

Dear Jessy,

Some possible solutions:

Start a Facebook club dedicated to you and him going to a dance, make it a secret club.
Cover his personal property with post-it notes.
Oreo his car.
Give him a tape with the Mission: Impossible music and then give him his mission.
Get a pack of girls to bombard him with a fleet of paper airplanes with the message
Ask over the intercom at school
Make a path of arrows on the ground leading through various obstacles and finally to a cleverly placed invitation.
Take a pumpkin. Carve a face in it, or print a picture of the man and tape it to the front of the pumpkin. Film yourself throwing the pumpkin from a high height. Threaten to do the same to the man if he doesn't go with you.
Make a YouTube invitation like one of my friends did. You can find it here at this link.
Ask him out in a parade.
Just call the man and ask him out. I promise he'll never expect it.
Have 20 girls go up to him and say they don't want to go out with him, one after the other. Then you can come in and save the day and say, "I'll go out with you, bro."
Have a teacher hold him up after class as if he is in a lot of trouble, then threaten to suspend him or something if he doesn't go with you.
Paint the invitation on the side of a tire and roll it to him.
Take a string, have it start at his locker and have it lead to your locker with an invitation on it.

Alright, I gotta get to bed. Good luck with all that.

Love,

Josh

147th Ask Josh - In the City

2009-08-16T11:43:00.001-07:00

Kjirsten said...

how about just advice on moving to a new city period

...

Dear Kjirsten comma

First things first comma you have to actually use punctuation period Otherwise you apostrophe ll come off as a countrified turdy bird period Is that what you want question mark I thought not exclamation point

If you're moving to a new city, you don't want to stand out. You certainly don't want to look like a tourist, like I always do. Personally, I love wearing the sandals with knee hyphen high black socks.

My experience has not been moving to cities but from them. I have moved from a city to a suburb, then from a suburb to the country. Only time I moved from the country to the city was in the mission. So pardon my backwards reasoning.

Some keys:

You have to beat the shmageggie off of someone to make an example of them. I learned that from all the prison movies I have ever seen. I think it applies to the city, otherwise those urban people will test ya.

You have to go to Wal-Mart, that's what my 3-year-old niece says.

When you get there, you have to meet the locals and eat some of their customary food. For me, that means eating a pig tongue by cutting it right out of the tooth-decayed head of the pig, followed by the snout which you will cut straight off the front of the face, then the hoof, and finally slurping the skin off of a cold chicken foot. I don't think they serve those parts of the pig in most cities anymore, maybe a good shmageggie roast.

After that, you might want to get familiar with some of the local tourist attractions. Not because you need to know that stuff, it's just that you'll never see them otherwise. You'll keep putting them off by saying, "I'm a local, I can go anytime." But then you won't until after you have moved away and then you go on vacation back to your old city.

Find out the best place to meet singles. If the city is any kind of a city worth moving to at all, I would check out the local Ripley's Believe it or Not, or the Wax museum.

Then you have to kick someone's shmageggie again. You know, to keep the example fresh.

Then you join a pickup game of a locally popular sport, maybe curling, jai alai, or parkour. Pick one person and tell them that you personally are going to make sure they don't score the rest of the game. And put your hands right in front of their eyes without touching them. They won't be able to see, but they can't get mad, cause you're not touching them. This doesn't work if you move to Provo though, those boys will flip out if you do that. They'll come after your shmageggie. Don't believe me? Sign up for some intramural sports and try them out.

When you move to the city, you're going to need some essential items and accessories to not look like a bumpkin, a hayseed, or a folk. For example, if you want to make it in the city, you need to own lots of purses, and lots of shoes. This is important because they steal your shoes a lot and all the city dogs mess up your purses as you're walking through town. I've seen it done. They'll steal your shoes right off of you. Because they know that you'll be expecting a purse snatcher, but modern city people are too savvy to get caught committing such a cliche crime.

Get a sidekick. A squirrelly person preferrably.

...like Rizzo.

...or Lennie.

...or Jermaine.

...or Kato Kaelin.

Get a gun. A big one.

Get a bus pass.

...and a subway pass

...and a helicopter license

...and a boat (especially if you're moving to Venice).

Develop a strong strut.

Practice it while riding a bike.

And go to Church.

Speaking of which, mine starts in a few minutes. Good luck!

Love,

Josh